I REMEMBER THAT GUY!

I feel much safer, now that the director of the CIA mentioned that he has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding.

But there are complications.

Osama. Remember him? He's that guy who masterminded 9/11. Wears a turban. Long beard. Goat herder. Will spend eternity in the luxurious presence of vestigal virgins when he finally kicks the bucket.

Osama is evil, the living incarnation of fire-breathing villainy. Some writer once won a Pulitzer Prize for calling him an "unspeakable bastard."

When was that? Four years ago?

We were all hepped up back then, determined to root this rotten jerk out of the Afghan kush and show him who's boss. We were going to exact revenge, make him pay for mounting the bloodiest attack on mainland America in history.

No one attacks us and gets away with it.

Remember?

It was a big gnarly thing at the time. Everybody was excited and agitated and willing to go to war, if that's what it took to find the creep. It was all anybody thought about. We were going to root out evil, leave no stone unturned, yadda-yadda.

A lot has happened since then. There was the Scott Peterson deal, for one thing. Michael Jackson. The Runaway Bride. Another Tom Cruise marriage.

Oh, and that deal in Iraq.

But there were complications, of course.

Turns out, Osama bin Laden was a huge inconvenience, since we were already wanting to uproot the evil that is Saddam Hussein. Here we were, gearing up to hunt down one horrible excuse for a human when some other wretch comes out of nowhere and blows a hole into New York City.

It was all so confusing, but we had to do something. Evil is so prevalent that it's hard to know where to start. We had to set priorities.

So we went after Saddam.

Let's face it, Saddam was a nasty fellow who deserved a good bombing. The thinking was we'd get rid of this cretin first so we could then devote our full attention on wicked Osama. How difficult could Iraq be, anyway?

It was a cakewalk, actually.

Remember "Mission Accomplished?" When was that? Two years ago?

But there were complications, of course.

And we haven't forgotten Osama. Nosiree. We're right on top of that situation.

In fact, the director of the CIA happened to mention the other day that he's still got a pretty good idea where Osama is holed up.

He can't tell us where, exactly. If he told us he'd have to kill us.

But he did assure us, in a roundabout way, that America might get around to capturing him some day.

But there are complications, of course.

"When you go to the question of dealing with sanctuaries in sovereign states, you're dealing with a problem of our sense of international obligation, fair play," said Porter Goss, the CIA's Big Kahuna, during an interview with Time magazine in which no irony was intended.

In other words, if you're a fair-minded nation like the United States, you just don't barge in and yank the unspeakable bastard from his sanctuary. Not if you want to maintain credibility in the international community.

It's all so darn complicated.

Who is Tom Cruise marrying, anyway?

GEEKS AND THE SCOUNDREL

Mark Felt secured the book and movie deal he was seeking this week, with contracts stipulating that "Deep Throat" must be portrayed in the film by Will Smith.

Felt recently crawled out of the La Brea Tar Pits to admit he was Deep Throat, the mysterious high-level official who lurked in darkened parking garages to offer anonymous tips to geeky Washington Post reporters.

Based on Deep Throat's tips, the geeky reporters detailed the smarmy activities of the president we were stuck with at the time, Richard Nixon, and the president's involvement in a burglary at the Watergate building.

The result is that Richard Nixon was exposed as a scoundrel to millions of Americans who were too dumb to figure it out for themselves.

Young people probably don't recognize the significance of this, but they should remain alert to the sobering knowledge that they live in a world filled with old people who once voted for Richard Nixon.

Your parents may have voted for Nixon. Your grandparents probably voted for Nixon. The mild-mannered author of this very column might have voted for Nixon. Nixon voters still roam the earth. And if today's youth are unable to recognize this sobering reality as legitimate reason to question authority, today's youth must be brain dead.

Decades later, America still suffers from Watergate's unintended consequences, the worst of which are the endless appearances of Bob Woodward on Larry King Live.

Nevertheless, we have Mark Felt and geeky reporters to thank for driving Nixon out of office.

Felt is now being hailed as a hero, but he was not completely innocent. He was second-in-command at the FBI during the Era of Nixon, but it would be rude to say he was "under" J. Edgar Hoover. Prior to outing himself as Deep Throat, Felt's only claim to fame was avoiding prison for illegally bugging innocent Americans.

Deep Throat was shrouded in mystery for decades after Watergate because Woodward promised he would never divulge Felt's identify until Felt had moved on to the Darkened Parking Garage in the Sky.

Now in the twilight of his life, with one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel, Felt stepped forward to seize upon the gravy train that comes with modern tales of political intrigue: lucrative book contracts, film deals and perhaps even an appearance on Larry King Live.

News reports indicate that Felt will receive about $1 million for a book he has tentatively titled "I Am Not Linda Lovelace."

Portions of the Mark Felt book have already been leaked to the Joe Livernois Column. We received the documents in a darkened back alley from a fellow wearing a fedora and a trench coat who insisted his name was "Hal Holbrook."

The following are a few startling revelations from "I Am Not Linda Lovelace":

• "J. Edgar Hoover may have had his problems, but he looked terrific in pink chiffon."

• "Working for the FBI was lots of fun, especially when they let me fool around with surreptitious recording devices. The only downer? I could never get my shoe phone to work."

• "I was never much of a Richard Nixon fan, but I really started to have serious doubts about him when I caught him playing 'Ring Around the Rosy' with J. Edgar in the Oval Office."

• "I spent decades in the FBI and encountered plenty of strange fellows, but I never met anyone creepier than G. Gordon Liddy."

• "I've never even met Linda Lovelace."

PRISON SPINNING

(This column appeared June 3, 2005)

Rather than being all doom and gloom, the downers from Amnesty International might consider a look on the bright side of life.

As we all know by now, Amnesty International is whining and complaining about the treatment of prisoners in Guantanamo. That's because Amnesty International is composed of people who hate America. These America-haters claim that U.S. military prisons are similar to Russian "gulags," a word that is so much fun to write that Solzhenitsyn used it about a million times in his novels.

You should also remember that international organizations that criticize America do so only because they hate America. Folks who love America certainly wouldn't criticize America, especially if they don't want to end up in some gulag.

Anyhow, our own investigation into the treatment of prisoners indicates Amnesty International either overlooked or -- more likely -- intentionally ignored key elements that prove enemy detainees are being cared for with tender loving care.

In fact, these people are being treated so well that the administration decided to discard the Geneva Conventions, on the basis that the people who signed the Geneva Conventions failed to dot their i's with smiley faces.

As our gulag investigation shows, prisoners are being treated awfully swell.

Consider the following standardized programs offered in Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib and the Bagram Air Force Base:

• Wednesday night all-you-can-eat bologna buffet.

• Monthly delousings.

• Work-for-merit opportunities at nearby Nike factories.

• Boudoir portrait opportunities with props that include dog collars, leashes and skanky Pfc.

• Sunday night all-you-can-eat Spam buffet.

• Instant access to all Michael Jackson trial-related news.

• Quran-fueled central heating systems in all prisons!

• Unlimited access to Fresca dispenser.

• Aerobic cell-pacing classes.

• Thursday entertainment night, featuring Ann Coulter and a cast of lovable pixies in her madcap musical comedy, "Tribute to Men on Camels."

• Tuesday night all-you-can-eat boiled potato buffet.

• Moving pile of sand from one side of the yard to the next.

• Aerobic haunch-sitting classes.

• Weekly football games pitting guards vs. inmates, just like "The Longest Yard." (Note: Limited supply of pads and helmets distributed on first-come, first-serve basis after guards are fully equipped.)

• Crackdown on practice of punishing inmates who make "fly-in-my-gruel" jokes in prison cafeteria.

• Friday night all-you-can-eat "flies 'n' gruel" buffet.

• Twenty-four hour loop broadcast of "Friends" reruns.

• Aerobic bedbug-herding classes.

YOUR REPUTATION: OUR OCCUPATION

Are you knee-deep in scandal? Are you guilty as sin? Are viper journalists camped in front of your home night and day?

Don't worry, friend. This is your lucky day. Your public image may look bleak today, but you'll always remember that today is the day you discovered the key to your reputation's salvation.

Because today the Joe Livernois Column proudly announces it is joining the lucrative world of "reputation management consultants," specializing in a diverse line of services designed especially for scandal-ridden scoundrels like you.

Did you suddenly "disappear" a week before your wedding? Did you drop a severed finger in the chili bowl? Is your name a recurring joke on Letterman? Are you Michael Jackson?

No problem. With the professional assistance of the Joe Livernois Column's Reputation Rehabilitation Specialists, you will no longer have to skulk into church after the service begins and slide into the back pew using the church bulletin to hide your face.

Sure, short-term indignities are inevitable, especially considering the egregious nature of your particular scandal. But our reputation specialists will establish a long-term plan guaranteed to ensure the public forgets that episode involving the rhesus monkey in the back seat of your SUV.

Have you ever worked for Enron? Are you a radio talk-show host with drug or sexual-harassment issues? Have you ever interned for a president? Are you a former California governor? A disgraced journalist? A drunken commercial airline pilot?

No worries. Within days, you can enjoy proactive community relations that build a bank of good will for you and your company. With the help of our reputation reconstruction programs, a grateful public will soon forget that you moved all the jobs to Bangalore and absconded with billions of dollars from the pension fund.

Are steroids your problem? Did the cops find your bloody glove at the scene of the murder? Have you shot a teammate? Do you play for the Detroit Pistons?

No sweat. Our diverse line of reputation management services includes an entire department of sports specialists. With their help, your image will be enhanced by numerous charitable public-service appearances, including the all-important advertisements featuring you in a playground filled with cute, smiling children.

Here are only a few of the important skills you will learn once you've "signed on" with our image rehabilitation specialists:

• We'll brief you on the pros and cons of covering your head with your sports jacket during the perp walk.

• We'll explain why your defiant sneering at the television cameras while shackled in the courtroom does not enhance your image.

• We'll tell you how to ensure the media will provide proper coverage of the trifling contribution you make to the local charity desperate enough to accept your money.

So act now. It's only a matter of time before your image is sullied by some grubby scandal that will turn your name into the latest national punch line.

Call us today. Your reputation is our occupation.