YOUR REPUTATION: OUR OCCUPATION

Are you knee-deep in scandal? Are you guilty as sin? Are viper journalists camped in front of your home night and day?

Don't worry, friend. This is your lucky day. Your public image may look bleak today, but you'll always remember that today is the day you discovered the key to your reputation's salvation.

Because today the Joe Livernois Column proudly announces it is joining the lucrative world of "reputation management consultants," specializing in a diverse line of services designed especially for scandal-ridden scoundrels like you.

Did you suddenly "disappear" a week before your wedding? Did you drop a severed finger in the chili bowl? Is your name a recurring joke on Letterman? Are you Michael Jackson?

No problem. With the professional assistance of the Joe Livernois Column's Reputation Rehabilitation Specialists, you will no longer have to skulk into church after the service begins and slide into the back pew using the church bulletin to hide your face.

Sure, short-term indignities are inevitable, especially considering the egregious nature of your particular scandal. But our reputation specialists will establish a long-term plan guaranteed to ensure the public forgets that episode involving the rhesus monkey in the back seat of your SUV.

Have you ever worked for Enron? Are you a radio talk-show host with drug or sexual-harassment issues? Have you ever interned for a president? Are you a former California governor? A disgraced journalist? A drunken commercial airline pilot?

No worries. Within days, you can enjoy proactive community relations that build a bank of good will for you and your company. With the help of our reputation reconstruction programs, a grateful public will soon forget that you moved all the jobs to Bangalore and absconded with billions of dollars from the pension fund.

Are steroids your problem? Did the cops find your bloody glove at the scene of the murder? Have you shot a teammate? Do you play for the Detroit Pistons?

No sweat. Our diverse line of reputation management services includes an entire department of sports specialists. With their help, your image will be enhanced by numerous charitable public-service appearances, including the all-important advertisements featuring you in a playground filled with cute, smiling children.

Here are only a few of the important skills you will learn once you've "signed on" with our image rehabilitation specialists:

• We'll brief you on the pros and cons of covering your head with your sports jacket during the perp walk.

• We'll explain why your defiant sneering at the television cameras while shackled in the courtroom does not enhance your image.

• We'll tell you how to ensure the media will provide proper coverage of the trifling contribution you make to the local charity desperate enough to accept your money.

So act now. It's only a matter of time before your image is sullied by some grubby scandal that will turn your name into the latest national punch line.

Call us today. Your reputation is our occupation.