THE FAST TRACK TO POLITICAL OBSCURITY

''In a month, who will remember the name Harriet Miers?'' -- Sen. Trent Lott, R-Miss.

Well, Mr. Lott, I don't think many of us will ever forget Harriet Miers.

Who can ever forget her unabashed loyalty to the smartest guy she ever knew? And that smile that bore into America's soul like the Howdy Doody hour? And the time she assured George and Laura Bush that they were "cool."

We'll never forget the time Bush described Miers by saying "she looks so petite and, well, harmless. But put her on your case and she becomes a pit bull in size 6 shoes."

But, alas, the diminutive pit bull announced Thursday she is withdrawing her name from consideration as a Supreme Court nominee, hounded out of the hunt by cynical politicians unwilling to trust the judgment of our commander in chief.

Like a shooting star streaking across the autumn sky, Miers lit up our lives for a brief and shining moment.

No, Mr. Lott, we will never forget Harriet Miers, even as cynical people like you relegate her to the scrap heap of obscure political figures who never got the chance to show America their true talents.

The path of American history is littered with the broken egos of bright, eager people who never got their proper due.

People like Trent Lott may have forgotten Joycelyn Elders, who for a short period was the surgeon general. But the rest of us can't help but remember the provocative Elders as she declared in her surgeonly way that self-gratification is probably better than no gratification at all.

Elders was an appointee of Bill Clinton, who created an entire nest of obscure political figures. Clinton had a particular talent for picking would-be attorneys general who hired undocumented workers to do their housework.

Ms. Miers, please allow us introduce you to Kimba Woods and Zoe Baird.

Miers joins a long and distinguished list of failed Supreme Court nominees, starting with a gentleman named William Patterson, who in 1793 withdrew his name from consideration after eliciting Congressional horse laughs when he was heard describing George Washington as "da bomb."

And then there's what's-his-name, the honorable Democrat from Colorado who everyone figured would be the next president until he was photographed emerging from a yacht named Monkey Business in the arms of a mistress named Donna Rice.

Gary Hart, meet Harriet Miers.

Also consider Geraldine Ferraro, who might have become a great pioneering American -- the first female vice president -- had she not hitched her wagon to someone who turned out to be the most obscure American political figure since William Henry Harrison.

Walter Mondale, meet Harriet Miers.

Bonus trivia question: What was the name of the law clerk who nearly derailed mighty Clarence Thomas' nomination to the Supreme Court?

Harriet Miers, meet Anita Hill.

And while we're on the subject of political footnotes, let's take a moment to remember the rogue cast who haunted the Nixon regime: Bebe Rebozo, Martha Mitchell, G. Gordon Liddy, Spiro T. Agnew and E. Howard Hunt.

Harriet Miers, meet Robert Bork.

TELL THEM MENSO SENT YOU!

I guess I'm not such a genius after all.

This sad truth came clear recently after I suffered the indignity of taking a Mensa brainiac test.

The folks at American Mensa are making a special effort this year to "reach out" to journalists, allowing them to take the test that would determine if they are certified geniuses. To qualify for Mensa, applicants must score in the top two percent on any standard IQ test.

From the outset, I wondered how smart these Mensa people really are. Why, for instance would the allegedly smartest people on earth believe they might find genius from among the ranks of journalists? Don't they read the papers? Haven't they been watching television news? Have they never stepped foot in a newsroom?

In the world of modern journalism, the definition of "mental acuity" is keeping up with George W. Bush during a press conference.

Question: What did the reporter get on his IQ test?

Answer: Coffee.

Expecting a journalist to qualify for Mensa is like expecting the president of the taxpayers' association to leave a decent tip at a restaurant.

If Mensans are so smart, why are they inviting journalists to join them?

And there are other clues. For example, I may not be a genius, but why would a group composed of brainiacs would name their club Mensa, which is Spanish for "dumb girl?"

Confused, I took Mensa up on its invitation. I was told to show up at the community room at a bank building on a Sunday afternoon for the test.

Because I am a journalist, I've always known I'm not a genius, despite recurring comments from readers who continually want to know "who the bleepin' genius is who writes those bleepin' columns on Fridays."

Also, my brain cells have suffered a steady deterioration over the years due to the fact that I am a sports fan who plays golf.

Oh yeah, and I'm from Prunedale. What self-respecting menso from Prunedale would admit to being a genius even if he was one?

Anyhow, my Mensa brainiac test was administered by a proctor trainee named Jacquelyn Powers under the watchful eye of a trained proctor named Bruce Dick. They both seemed like very normal people, despite their genius.

Powers informed me I will not be told the results of my tests, only that I would be notified whether I am qualified to join Mensa. In other words, I won't be told exactly how menso I really am.

"Why not?" I asked. If someone goes through all the trouble of taking the test, the least they can find out is how they scored.

Dick explained that Mensa officials are not doctors who are qualified to give people a true assessment of their intellectual prowess. Powers said liability issues are involved. Apparently, people take their genius — or their lack thereof — very seriously.

So I took the test, which is composed of a series of confounding questions that can only be answered with No. 2 pencils.

After my test is scored, I'll be formally notified by mail that testing me was a pointless exercise and a waste of a beautiful afternoon.

The good news, however, is that someone who might be reading this column might be a genius, despite the fact that they are reading this column. Mensa is holding its annual "admissions testing day" on Saturday.

Bring $30 and a photo ID to take the Mensa test to the Community Bank Community Room on 599 Lighthouse Blvd. at 12:45 p.m. The pencils are provided.

LETS STOP ALL THEM THERE ILLEGAL ALIENS!

In news from The Confederacy, an alien will become a United States citizen.

According to sources, a wookiee named Chewbacca will become a naturalized citizen of the U.S. during a ceremony Monday. Born in Kashyyyk, Chewbacca first emerged as a noted intergalactic figure as Han Solo's hairy, growling sidekick aboard the Millennium Falcon starship in several episodes of "Star Wars."

"I've always been interested in the cowboys and the history of the West and the history of America, so it wasn't so bad," said Peter Mayhew, who portrayed Chewbacca in the movies and who will become a citizen next week.

Upon hearing the news, a legislator from Colorado immediately introduced legislation to halt the immigration of illegal space aliens into the United States.

The legislator called his legislation "a step that will protect red-blooded Americans against the threat of hairy, growling sidekicks. If we allow wookiees to come willy-nilly into our country, there will be no stopping the dark lords of Sith from pouring in."

Unfortunately, the wookiee backlash is not contained to Colorado.

In New York City, for instance, transit officials stepped up subway security after receiving intelligence from space that evil wookiees have hatched a nefarious plan.

"The city is gripped with fear and paranoia," declared the mayor.

Homeland Security agents raised the alert level to whatever color means "severe danger."

Representatives from the Vigilante Wingnut Coalition of Arizona armed themselves with telescopes and fluttering flags to initiate a citizen space watch program designed to protect Americans against an invasion of illegal immigrant wookiees. Coalition officials said they hope to stem the tide of madmen wookiee terrorists who trek across the Sonoran Desert with bedrolls and bombing devices intent on wreaking havoc on the American way.

At CNN, Lou Dobbs broadcast a two-hour special devoted to the growing trend of job displacement in America's industrial sector titled "Widgets & Wookiees."

In California, where an increasing number of wookiees have been employed as strawberry pickers and hospitality workers, voters enacted laws that would eliminate educational opportunities to wookiee offspring and to ban public services to "brown furry immigrants who speak with a growl."

Efforts to enforce existing federal laws that would impose huge fines against employers who hire wookiees have mysteriously been suspended.

"Sure, they might be a threat to our way of life," said an industry analyst, "but wookiees are willing to work real hard for virtually no pay. And as long as the threat of deportation hangs over them, they don't complain. They're good for the economy."

In Texas, representatives from a wookiee settlement near Waco reported they have been harassed and attacked by what he called a "toothless band of drawlers."

A spokesman for the toothless band of drawlers said Texans are upset that wookiees are "taking all them good-paying jobs from us."

Overwhelmed immigration officials, sensing a trend, have asked Congress for an additional $300 billion to hire and train more "space patrol agents."

Angry Congressional leaders rejected the immigration officials' request, and instead authorized a $500 billion loan package that will improve economic conditions in Kashyyyk.

FAIR AND BALANCED -- NOT TO MENTION
MORE, BETTER, FASTER AND CHEAPER

We have been flummoxed, of late, by our inability to clearly define our mission.

We've gone the retreat route. We've gone round table. We've thrown money at consultants and market surveys.

But we have failed to come up with an appropriately catchy slogan that captures the essence of why were are the column you must depend upon to meet your weekly column needs.

If the Joe Livernois Column is to be taken seriously as serious journalism, it will need a serious slogan that will indicate to the consuming public that we are dedicated to slogans.

Especially if we expect to pawn ourselves off as serious journalists.

In addition to a slogan, we recognize that the column will need a lot of pleasing graphic elements, dramatic music, sound effects, dazzling promos and a perky weather guy.

But all that will come later.

First things first. We need a slogan, preferably one that does not include the words "moron" or "vapid."

Let's face it. We could be the best darn column on the face of the earth, but if we are unable to catch our consumers' attention with a memorable catch-phrase, our consumers will quickly divert their attention to a column that can.

That's because, our market surveys indicate, consumers are easily distracted. Also, they are not very bright and are interested in serious issues only if they feel they can also be entertained.

We have learned, with the assistance of marketing surveys and consultants, that consumers need to be slapped up the side of the head with high-minded bloviation, which is why Fox News has adopted the deviously ironic "Fair and Balanced" slogan.

With a slogan like "Fair and Balanced," you'd think Fox News would present gray and mild-mannered Cronkites, wearing bow ties and a grim countenance, instead of the collection of temple-throbbing Keepers of the Faith they have assembled to serve as moderators.

Unfortunately for Fox News, its Weather Guy Department remains shockingly apolitical.

But the main thing is that Fox News came up with a slogan that works.

So the staff and management at the Joe Livernois Column are desperately trying to craft an appropriate slogan.

Our original plans were ambitious — having James Earl Jones do a quick "This is the Joe Livernois Column" voiceover — but it turns out that James Earl Jones is suffering from some wierd vocal problem that keeps him from sounding like Darth Vader. And our consultants tell us that Ashton Kutcher does not possess the "voice of authority" the column so desperately needs.

The guys in production came up with a great slogan — More, Better, Faster, Cheaper — but our consultants informed us that the motto was first used by a famous communist, some guy named "Mao." What's more, the consultants said that using the slogan might flummox modern consumers who would certainly confuse us for Wal-Mart.

We then thought we had devised a catchy slogan — America's Most Trusted Column — but our legal department informed us that the motto could place us in a tenuous liability position "unless we stopped making stuff up all the time."

So we did the only rational thing we could think of. We fired our consultants.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE A ONE-LEGGED MONKEY
WITH A POLAROID CAMERA AND A SHOE PHONE?

The best rumor floating along the Gulf Coast these days involves mercenary dolphins unleashed by Katrina.

According to The Observer, a British newspaper with a keen eye for Top Secret spy stuff, about three dozen trained assassin dolphins are missing from a dolphin military compound.

Alarmingly, these dolphins are trained killers and are armed with toxic dart guns. They have apparently been guarding the Gulf of Mexico to shoot frogman terrorists and to locate aquatic spies who are conspiring to destroy America from their underwater spy headquarters.

The staff and management here at the Joe Livernois Column are spreading this rumor because we are anxious to print stuff that smacks of tabloid journalism, because we exhibit a lack of community responsibility and because we are always seeking unique ways to undermine our credibility.

Also, we are cynically aware that people will believe anything they read in a newspaper, especially if the newspaper is published in the United Kingdom.

But this killer dolphin story just might be true, since The Observer cited someone identified as an expert.

The Observer quoted Leo Sheridan, identified as a "respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry."

Sheridan reports he has seen intelligence reports from the U.S. government that confirm the murderous dolphins are indeed missing.

"My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises," Sheridan told The Observer. The problem, of course, is that blood-thirsty dolphins could initiate a tragic assault upon the unsuspecting divers and windsurfers who use the Gulf Coast as their personal playground.

The U.S. military refuses to confirm that their attack dolphins are missing.

In fact, if they told us anything at all about their dolphins, they would have to kill us.

This is not surprising, considering the military's reluctance to divulge other top-secret anti-terrorism initiatives involving animals.

Few Americans, for instance, are aware that the CIA has sanctioned the release of 1,000 mountain goats equipped with video cameras into the Afghan Kush.

As we are all aware, the U.S. military is serious about its efforts to flush out the crazed madman responsible for the worst atrocity ever committed on America's mainland more than four years ago. What's that guy's name again? Osama something?

Anyway, the CIA firmly believes that we might finally capture that guy with the assistance of video-equipped mountain goats.

The U.S. military has also managed to keep secret its most inspired primate spy program in the annals of primate spy history.

According to experts in the primate spy field, dozens of chimpanzees wearing garish sports coats and pork pie hats were released into Iraq five years ago to seek out weapons of mass destruction.

Based on their findings, then-Secretary of State Colin Powell delivered a rousing speech to the United Nations in which he persuasively justified stirring up the hornet's nest in the Middle East.

Rumor has it that the chimpanzees have since been decommissioned and are now in charge at FEMA.

Dedicated to Don Adams and our friends at CONTROL and KAOS.

TELEVISION WILL EAT YOUR BRAIN;
MONTEREY WILL EAT YOUR SPIRIT

With television's fall season upon us, it is a good time to introduce the new shows viewers will want to catch on public access channels.

Cable companies are required to provide locally produced programming via dedicated channels that would otherwise be occupied by a channel most consumers would prefer to watch, like the All Informercial Channel.

Because let's face it, if viewers were truly interested in a two-hour Carmel City Council debate about some guy's proposed side-yard setback, viewers would have gone to the meeting instead of waiting until the rebroadcast on a Sunday afternoon, when the viewer is more likely to be sitting in the Barcalounger in his boxer shorts watching the NFL.

Don't get me wrong. I think more of us should be watching public access stations. It's more real than the networks' reality television, which is to say that viewers are actually required to think before they can understand the drama.

And public access has become much more interesting lately. Just look at this fall's upcoming lineup:

Night Court: Reality tragi-comedy depicting after-hour antics of Monterey County traffic court judge.

Trader Joe's Marathon: A full 24 hours of the Monterey City Council's public hearings regarding a proposal to replace the downtown Safeway with a Trader Joe's.

Everybody Loves Albert: Follow Judge Albert Maldonado as he chases hot dog vendors from the county courthouse.

Democracy Whenever!: The swaggering assistant deputy treasurer of the Monterey County Democratic Club delivers a speech in which he declares that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is evil.

What's Cookin': County inmates unveil secret recipes for jailhouse tamales and holiday Prune-o.

A Cal Am Minute: California American Water Co. representatives discuss their guiding mission to keep customers happy.

The KC: Monica convinces Bubba to skip a King City High School FFA meeting so they can take his cool raised Chevy pickup to help her cousin's friend's sister move to Salinas.

Marina Progress: Follow along as the City Council approves another big box store that will shut down a year after its grand opening.

Natividad Road Blues: Continuous loop of sheriff's deputies who have gathered for open house and inspection. (Program note: Please believe us when we say that this is not a Sheriff Mike Kanalakis campaign commercial. Really.)

'Possum Man: A day in the life of some dude in Prunedale.

Salinas Reads: A Warhol-like production in which a camera is trained at the checkout desk of the Steinbeck Public Library and nothing ever seems to happen.

Gadfly Moments: "Best of" collection featuring the rabid regulars who show up at city council meetings to rant and rave about weird stuff that makes no sense.

Geeks Talk Shop: Round-table discussion featuring local media personalities who talk about how they got their stories, followed by endless whine session about editors and salaries.

Team Monterey: Junior college film class production featuring puppets that depict Board of Supervisors' efforts to adopt a general plan. Puppets are manipulated by the area's top developers, farmers and land-use attorneys.

COMPETENCE IS ITS OWN REWARD

News item: Now-deposed FEMA boss Michael Brown, known to his friends as "Brownie," came to government service after he was fired from his job managing equestrian events.

In the face of growing public suspicions that the government might be "incompetent" following its response to Hurricane Katrina, the White House has released the top qualifications and credentials for selected government officials:

Alphonso "Fonzi" Jackson, secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Once served as resident-manager of the Tropicana Mobile Home Park in Dallas, Texas.

Donald "Rummie" Rumsfeld, secretary of Defense. Self-taught poet, also considered nation's top "Stratego" player; once defeated Colin Powell at "Risk" 15 consecutive times in a single day during carefree weekend at Camp David.

Elaine "Elie" Chao, secretary of Labor. Only cabinet-level official known to have worked for a private-sector company without government contracts; spent summer break during college as a "lacer" at Acme Boot factory.

Mike "Mikey" Johanns, secretary of Agriculture. Showed up for his job interview with president with bushel of home-grown zucchini.

Michael "Welfare Guy" Leavitt, secretary of Health & Human Services. Former governor of Utah, distinguished himself with landmark "Subsidized Dental Floss for the Needy" program.

Dick "Dad" Cheney, vice president. Ability to glare on cue.

Alberto "Gonzo" Gonzales, attorney general. Pulled self up by bootstraps and, through pluck and hard work, wheedled his way into top administrative position after spending several years as the associate assistant clerk to the deputy city attorney in Bull Mule, Texas.

Margaret "Maggie" Spellings, secretary of Education. With a name like "Spellings," how can she not be qualified?

John "Johnnie" Snow, secretary of the Treasury. Former railroad man; has lots of money; personal investment portfolio solid; avoided dot-coms.

Michael "Furr-Face" Chertoff, secretary of Homeland Security. Supplemented income working nights and weekends as security guard at arena rock 'n' roll concerts; best friend is Ted Nugent.

Gale "Tree Hugger" Norton, secretary of the Interior. Owns hiking shoes; occasionally loans propane camp stove to Dick Cheney.

Andrew "Drew" Card, chief of staff. Developed reputation as a "take-charge" administrator while district director of Little League, where he was in charge of recruiting and training umpires.

Condoleezza "Condi" Rice, secretary of State. Great smile; does what she's told.

John "Walt" Walters, secretary of National Drug Control Policy. Led intervention on Rush Limbaugh during his "problem."

Stephen "Stevie" Johnson, Environmental Protection Agency administrator. Promotes use of "sound science" to hack off know-nothing environmentalists.

Norm "Norm!" Minetta, secretary of Transportation. Former Congressman from San Jose, responsible for Santa Clara County freeway system.

Samuel "Sammie" Bodman, secretary of Energy. Considered perfect fit in his role as the manager of energy policy due to the fact that he is deaf, blind and still suffering from the debilitating effects of a full-frontal lobotomy.

DARWIN'S THEORY DISPROVED
BY PAT ROBERTSON HIMSELF!

Pat Robertson shot off his mouth again this week, proving once again that Darwin's survival-of-the-fittest theory is indeed flawed.

If Darwin was right, how could he explain Pat Robertson?

If we were to believe Charles Darwin, who himself was unable to survive and who eventually croaked in 1882, organisms naturally morph into survival beings that allow them to prosper in their environment.

Yet, somehow, Pat Robertson has managed to survive all these years despite giving every indication that he has not advanced beyond biological and intellectual standards that place him -- in the evolutionary order of things -- on line with the common orangutan.

Not only that, but Pat Robertson has actually done quite well for himself, establishing a successful media empire, and he has political aspirations. In that regard, his evolutionary progress has not even advanced beyond that of Ted Turner.

Robertson, who professes to be a "Christian leader," blathered on his television show this week that the United States ought to send assassins down to Venezuela to execute Hugo Chavez.

The following day, following the inevitable furor that typically accompanies the wacky things Robertson says, Robertson backtracked somewhat, offering an apology. He then said he didn't actually say that Chavez ought to be assassinated, per se, but, even if he did say Chavez should be erased, he meant it in a nice way and, anyway, whatever he said at least brought awareness of the Hugo Chavez problem.

By all accounts, Chavez is a major problem in South America, inasmuch as he speaks a foreign language and is the evolutionary equivalent of Fidel Castro, who is reputed to be Cro-Magnon himself.

Whether Chavez deserves a good, old-fashioned CIA-sanctioned murder remains to be seen.

If Chavez is getting advice from Fidel, the better alternative for the United States might be simply to wait a couple of decades. If we wait long enough, the entire country of Venezuela will go the way of Cuba: driven to a collective state of terminal boredom brought on by listening to long-winded speeches and driving around in 40-year-old Volkswagens.

Also, we've got enough demons knocking on our door. If we really need to assassinate bad guys, there's plenty of sorry excuses out there we should get to first. Chavez will just have to take his place in the back of the line.

Nevertheless, it's disappointing to hear a religious leader say such a thing. In one fell swoop, Pat Robertson again miscommunicated the Christian message to legions of unbelievers who will unfortunately dismiss average Christians as a bunch of kooky hypocrites.

Over the years, Robertson has also told his viewers that the State Department ought to be nuked, that feminism encourages women to "leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

He also predicted that homosexual activity leads to "earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor."

He also counseled that Planned Parenthood naturally teaches bestiality to children, and Robertson is a chief proponent of the abolition of Halloween.

Yet, somehow, Pat Robertson survives.

Evolution obviously has nothing to do with it. If nothing else, Pat Robertson's survival can only be attributable to an Intelligent Designer with a sense of satire.

THE IRRITABLE BOWELS
OF CALIFORNIA'S COWS

The latest eye-watering news out of California involves gaseous cows that are killing us.

According to the San Joaquin Valley Air Pollution Control District, methane-belching cows now create more pollution in the Central Valley than cars, trucks, pesticides and that guy sitting in the cubicle next to you at work with the irritable bowels.

This is not necessarily news to anyone who has ever actually spent time in the Central Valley, which Californians have long regarded as the Gaseous Cow Pollution Capital of the World.

During a recent trip to Turlock, the Joe Livernois Column got up close and personal with the gaseous-cow phenomena. This experience was highlighted by a conversation with a visitor who lapsed into an extended sneezing fit before concluding that "this town stinks." And this person was from Los Angeles.

Naturally, officials from the California dairy industry immediately criticized the San Joaquin Valley air district's conclusions, accusing the district of being "cow haters who hate freedom and everything that cows stand for."

Industry officials then threatened to ramp up its California cheese advertising campaign that depict cows with names like "Madge" standing in pastures and engaging in whimsical human-like conversations.

As we know, these advertisements are apparently meant to spread the fiction that cheese is not produced from muck-covered dairies in which the cows are too busy passing gas to engage in comic conversation.

According to air pollution authorities, there are about 2.5 million cows in the San Joaquin air basin and each one of them produces almost 20 pounds of noxious gasses every year, the cumulative equivalent produced by the guy in the next cubicle.

Experts attribute the gaseous emissions to the revolting manner in which cows consume their food. Cows constantly swallow and regurgitate their food, a process that results in a steady stream of belching and flatulence. In scientific terms, this cud-chewing process is known variously as "rumination" or "writing a newspaper column."

Because of the air district report, the dairy industry will be forced to invest millions of dollars in expensive pollution-control technology. Technical experts are already coming up with new and inventive ways to instruct their cows to find a less disgusting way to eat.

Unfortunately, cow gas-prevention technologies involving industrial-strength corks have proven useless, generating an even worse pollution problem in the form of what scientists refer to as "exploding cows."

Dairy producers are understandably upset that pointy-headed do-gooders are trying to "improve" their operations with new regulations, just as the auto industry was upset with the do-gooders who imposed Draconian regulations on vehicle emissions several decades ago.

But vehicular smog-control device scams are now woven into the fabric of California's rich tapestry. Most of us now regard smog-control scams as a necessary trade-off we make in exchange for living in the greatest state in the union.

And we are confident that the dairy industry will eventually embrace regulations that will spare the children of the Central Valley from a lifetime of phlegm.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to smog my cow.

ANONYMOUS SOURCE INDUSTRY
COMES TO A GRINDING HALT

Anonymous Source sustained major injuries Thursday during an unspecified motor vehicle accident on an undisclosed public road, according to law enforcement officers who asked not to be identified.

At the time of the incident, Anonymous Source was apparently driving to the New York Times to an interview after a surreptitious meeting with a Time Magazine reporter.

A hospital spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that Anonymous Source will be out of commission for several weeks, sparking a wave of deep concern among those who depend upon the Anonymous Source Industry for their livelihood.

Anonymous Source's age and hometown have not been disclosed.

According to documents leaked to the Joe Livernois Column, Anonymous Source was injured after he leaked scandalous news to a New York Times reporter that Dick Cheney's chief of staff is a guy named "Scooter."

Asked for comment on the Scooter Libby scandal, Karl Rove denied ever knowing that Scooter Libby's sister is a double agent in Baghdad, but insisted that his comments were not for the record. He additionally promised to destroy us if we breathed a word of any of this to anyone.
Anonymous and clueless Democrats immediately seized upon the Scooter Libby scandal.

"This nation is only a stone's throw away from a good old-fashioned impeachment," said another Democratic leader who identified himself only as a former presidential candidate who was once victimized by wretched media weasels who broadcast him screaming like a bipolar banshee after he placed third in the Iowa caucuses.

Time Magazine, citing anonymous sources, immediately turned over a reporter's notes to federal investigators, while the New York Times immediately sent Judith Miller to prison.
"The Times has been trying to find a way to get rid of this reporter for a long time," said an anonymous New York Times insider. "She's been nothing but a shrill shill for the Bush administration, so throwing her in prison was an agreeable alternative. If she wants to spend her professional career protecting guys named Scooter, prison's too good a place for her."

Another New York Times insider, calling from Judith Miller's cell phone, disputed the other anonymous insider's claim, saying that the jailed reporter is a "martyr for constitutional ideals."
While the second insider refused to identify himself, he ended his telephone conversation by saying: "By the way, I am not my wife's husband."

Meanwhile, a source for federal investigators who spoke on condition of anonymity told an anonymous reporter early Thursday that the search for more anonymous sources is continuing.
"We'll root out every last one of them," he said in anonymous tones.

"All we know for certain at the moment is that Scooter Libby has been identified as a person who rose through the ranks of politics despite the fact that he goes by the name 'Scooter,'" said another anonymous federal investigator. "Oh, and we've also learned that Robert Novak is a blathering sack of dung."

Meanwhile, President George Bush said Thursday that he supports "Skipper Lubby" ompletely.

"I will not fire him if he has been involved in a crime," said Bush. "Unless, of course, it can be shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has been convicted, federally speaking, of a crime."

Bush then asked that he not be identified.

Bush later boarded Air Force One, which departed on condition of anonymity.