COMPETENCE IS ITS OWN REWARD

News item: Now-deposed FEMA boss Michael Brown, known to his friends as "Brownie," came to government service after he was fired from his job managing equestrian events.

In the face of growing public suspicions that the government might be "incompetent" following its response to Hurricane Katrina, the White House has released the top qualifications and credentials for selected government officials:

Alphonso "Fonzi" Jackson, secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Once served as resident-manager of the Tropicana Mobile Home Park in Dallas, Texas.

Donald "Rummie" Rumsfeld, secretary of Defense. Self-taught poet, also considered nation's top "Stratego" player; once defeated Colin Powell at "Risk" 15 consecutive times in a single day during carefree weekend at Camp David.

Elaine "Elie" Chao, secretary of Labor. Only cabinet-level official known to have worked for a private-sector company without government contracts; spent summer break during college as a "lacer" at Acme Boot factory.

Mike "Mikey" Johanns, secretary of Agriculture. Showed up for his job interview with president with bushel of home-grown zucchini.

Michael "Welfare Guy" Leavitt, secretary of Health & Human Services. Former governor of Utah, distinguished himself with landmark "Subsidized Dental Floss for the Needy" program.

Dick "Dad" Cheney, vice president. Ability to glare on cue.

Alberto "Gonzo" Gonzales, attorney general. Pulled self up by bootstraps and, through pluck and hard work, wheedled his way into top administrative position after spending several years as the associate assistant clerk to the deputy city attorney in Bull Mule, Texas.

Margaret "Maggie" Spellings, secretary of Education. With a name like "Spellings," how can she not be qualified?

John "Johnnie" Snow, secretary of the Treasury. Former railroad man; has lots of money; personal investment portfolio solid; avoided dot-coms.

Michael "Furr-Face" Chertoff, secretary of Homeland Security. Supplemented income working nights and weekends as security guard at arena rock 'n' roll concerts; best friend is Ted Nugent.

Gale "Tree Hugger" Norton, secretary of the Interior. Owns hiking shoes; occasionally loans propane camp stove to Dick Cheney.

Andrew "Drew" Card, chief of staff. Developed reputation as a "take-charge" administrator while district director of Little League, where he was in charge of recruiting and training umpires.

Condoleezza "Condi" Rice, secretary of State. Great smile; does what she's told.

John "Walt" Walters, secretary of National Drug Control Policy. Led intervention on Rush Limbaugh during his "problem."

Stephen "Stevie" Johnson, Environmental Protection Agency administrator. Promotes use of "sound science" to hack off know-nothing environmentalists.

Norm "Norm!" Minetta, secretary of Transportation. Former Congressman from San Jose, responsible for Santa Clara County freeway system.

Samuel "Sammie" Bodman, secretary of Energy. Considered perfect fit in his role as the manager of energy policy due to the fact that he is deaf, blind and still suffering from the debilitating effects of a full-frontal lobotomy.