WE EXIST TO SERVE OUR AUDIENCE

Thank you in advance for participating in our audience study.

As a select member of our preview audience, your opinions about the content of this column are very important to us.

As you read this column, we'd like you to think about several aspects of its content. Please close your eyes, breath deeply and analyze your existence for 30 seconds before proceeding.

(Close eyes and breath deeply.)

Please read this column during the next five minutes. After you've read the entire column, please answer the questions below.

To be certain that you don't miss any part of this column, do not spill your breakfast upon it or otherwise render it unreadable prior to its reading. If you are interrupted during the reading of this column, please tell the big mouth who is doing the interrupting that you are busy with an important task and continue reading.

If the big mouth persists, immediately instruct him/her to shut up.

Please read this column as you would any normal column. No need to be a big critic; don't take notes and do not under any circumstances attempt to read while driving a vehicle or showering.

After you read this column, answer the evaluation questions below and enter the sweepstakes by filling out the form on page G17 of this newspaper. As a token of our appreciation for taking this survey, you will be enterred into a sweepstakes in which a valuable prize might be awarded (certain restrictions may apply, residents of California and the other contiguous 48 states are not eligible). This week's grand prize, selected during a random drawing drawn at random by some random drawer is a box of Brillo.

Please keep the column near as you answer the questions. Consult with a spouse, significant other or pelvic affiliate if you do not understand a question.

Remember, there are no stupid answers, only stupid people who don't have a clue.

EVALUATION QUESTIONS

1. Overall, how would you rate this column?

a). Excellent. b). The best ever. c). Freakin' hilarious. d). This guy's a moron.

2. How would you rate the concept of this column?

a). Where does he come up with this stuff! b). Unbelieveably high concept! c). I've never seen better concept! d). What's a concept?

3. Which part did you like the best?

a). The part with the monkeys. b). The Clint Eastwood cameo. c). Random Brillo.

4. Which part did you like the least?

a). I loved it all! b). Even the least is best! c). You've got to be kidding, right?

5. Should the directors of this column include more high-minded sophisticated drama?

a). No. b). It's already got more bathos than a hillbilly psychodrama.

6. Should a "message" or "lesson" or "weepy interlude" be included in future columns.

a). By "message," do you mean like a message from Mars? b). By "lesson," are we talking about like in school? c). I'm weeping at this very moment.

7. If this column becomes a regularly-scheduled fixture in the Friday newspaper, would you

a). Make every effort to read it. b). Run screaming into the woods. b). Cancel your subscription. c). Refill your prescription.