FULL OF SITH

The only thing more exciting than interplanetary travel is the spectre of interplanetary war.

As any thinking person who has ever paid attention to Star Wars knows, the United States is under constant threat of attack by diabolical aliens from distant worlds who wish to penetrate our borders to work in the lettuce fields for peanuts and, while they're at it, impose their will on an unsuspecting public distracted by the finger in Wendy's bowl of chili.

It's all so confusing!

That is why we are thrilled the Pentagon is investing billions of dollars to develop space weapons and preparing to deploy them in the military's unrelenting efforts to protect us, the unsuspecting public, from an attack by Martians.

In a story published this week, the New York Times, a newspaper operated by a clan of Wookiees, Pentagon officials have turned their attention from their valiant search of Osama bin Laden to the breathless development of weapons capable of strafing Uranus.

Let's face it. None of us will ever feel completely safe until we know our country has developed laser sabers capable of destroying the army of dweebs hanging out in front of megaplexes dressed like Jabba the Hutt.

According to the Times, the Air Force is developing lots of useful space weapons with Apocalyptic names, including a program called "Rods from God" that would hurl cylinders of tungsten, titanium or uranium from the edge of space at the villains who would destroy us.

The Times quotes Gen. Lance Lord, an alleged real person who leads the Air Force Space Command, as saying the U.S. "must establish and maintain space superiority. Simply put, it's the American way of fighting."

Lord defines space superiority as "freedom to attack as well as freedom from attack" in space. Lord was not asked to define the American way of fighting, but the obvious Lance Lord definition would be "freedom to spend unlimited gobs of money on goofy programs."

And if we ever need a guy to lead the Forces of Good against evil jurisdictions intent on universal domination, it is reassuring to know we are sending someone with a cool Star Wars name like "Gen. Lance Lord."

Unless, of course, "Gen. Lance Lord" turns out simply to be another Bush droid.

Nevertheless, the Pentagon has already spent $100 billion to plan and create its space forces, according to the New York Times.

Even after all that money, though, Pentagon officials sheepishly admit they can't reliably detect and destroy a threat today. Which means we must still remain alert to the possiblity that Pluto will attack us tomorrow.

Unfortunately, there are still weenies in Congress who aren't willing to spend more money on space weapons. They are the types who refuse to acknowledge that the galaxies are filled with Darth Vaders intent on destroying all that is Right and Just in the universe.

Perhaps we are full of Sith, but the scenarios set out by the Pentagon promise great career opportunities right here at the Monterey Institute for Interplanetary Studies, especially for those of us who have aspired to become wise old Jedi wizards deployed to negotiate peaceful settlements with scheming Neimoidians aboard the Death Star.

The possibilities are endless.

(By the way, has anyone ever seen Jar-Jar and Lance Lord in the same room together?)