Column Space for Rent

To: The Bush Administration
From: The Joe Livernois Column
Re: Our Pricing Schedule

Thank you for this opportunity allowing us to offer our services in your vigorous efforts to communicate your initiatives to the American public.

We are very much impressed by your willingness to enrich hardworking journalists, columnists, commentators, pundits and wild-eyed fanatics who are willing to "go to bat" on your behalf while you mollify an anxious public during the final four years of your administration.

We understand that many "negative thinkers" believe it was unethical for commentator Armstrong Williams to receive $240,000 from your Education Department to help push the No Child Left Behind initiative.

And others pretend they are horrified that another columnist, Maggie Gallagher, was rewarded a $21,500 contract with the Health and Human Services Department to promote healthy marriages.

But you know your career as a columnist is stuck in Piddlesville when the Bush Administration hasn't offered you cash money to say nice things about his initiatives. And, personally, we could use some money.

Up to this point, the Joe Livernois Column has missed out on the gravy train. However, please be assured that we strongly believe our words and our reputation mean nothing if we can't earn some serious money along the way.

In short, the next time you are looking for a shameless greedhead who is willing to do the "hard work" of stringing a few words together on your behalf, please add us to your list.

Please refer to the following price guide:

* A furious defense of the treatment of Abu Ghraib prisoners, including a series of cheap shots directed at pantywaist liberals who probably never served in the military and who obviously don't understand what we're up against over there. $5,000.

* Full column linking homosexual behavior to the primal urges of rhesus monkeys. $7,500.

* Full column linking Dan Rather to the primal urges of Saddam Hussein. $10,000.

* A dispassionate thesis proving that Americans can still support the troops while only paying $12,000 in benefits to a dead soldier's family if only more of us would affix those yellow ribbon stickers on our Hummers. $12,000.

* Vicious and vaguely racist attack on anyone who honestly believes that immigration reform can't be accomplished unless American businesses are aggressively prosecuted for their hiring practices. $17,000.

* Expert economic analysis explaining why a $427 billion budget deficit isn't such a big deal after all. Negotiable, cash only.

* Feature story that introduces the world to the warm, fuzzy and playful character of Candoleeza Rice and/or Donald Rumsfeld. $35,000.

* Sober summary about how really hard everyone is working lately — really, really hard — to resolve all these nagging problems, with judicious and liberal use of the term "post 9/11 reality." $50,000.