Give Me Liberty or Give Me Another Camel!

The great thing about the current international situation is that we get to experience the thrill of democracy all over again.

Elections in Iraq! Who'd've thought?

According to the Independent Higher Commission on Iraqi Elections, all systems are go to hold elections on Jan. 30.

U.S. officials have vowed they will not attempt to influence the outcome of the election. Instead, all election-influencing responsibilities have been privatized on a no-contract bid to Halliburton.

Even as we speak, freedom fighters are flocking to Iraq to make certain that those Wacky Iraqis don't take their newfound democracy for granted, that they won't miss out on all the wonderfulness that modern American elections can offer.

The Swift Boat Captains for Abundant Lunacy are already cutting commercials that cruelly criticize candidate Massawi al-Gori's war record, providing concrete evidence that he was never on the camel that stepped on a land mine during Operation Desert Storm.

Election officials are busily splitting the country of Iraq into "electoral states" so that the "favored candidate" might legally win the election even if he doesn't win the most votes.

Leaders of the recent John Kerry campaign have been summoned to coach candidate Foussad al-Query so that he can effectively convey the message that he stands four-square against the United States incursion, while leaving a strong impression that he supports the United States completely.

Dozens of Iraqi candidates have been studying George Bush's facial expression to learn how a guy can win an important election despite looking like a frat-house goofball.

Al-Jazeera has been broadcasting American radio talk shows, thereby introducing the Iraqi people to the reasonable political discourse that can only be expertly presented by the greatest blathering blowhards in all of Allah's creation.

Several Iraqi candidates are lobbying Bruce Springsteen and Barbra Streisand for their key endorsements, while clonish "country and western" stars wearing macho white cowboy hats have already recorded weepy patriotic ballads on behalf of their favorite Iraqi candidate.

An anxious Iraqi citizenry is still waiting to learn who Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is endorsing.

The Republicans have invited San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom to Iraq so that he can make moral pronouncements guaranteed to whip up religious hysteria.

Dan Rather has agreed to anchor his final news broadcast in Baghdad so that, for old time's sake, he can unleash more election night homespun metaphors that have delighted the viewers at home for years.

Ahmad Shantani, leader of the militant Kurds en-Whey sect, has agreed to postpone a local insurrection long enough so that he can place his name on the ballot.

In the end, we will all agree that the Iraqis are fortunate to have had the opportunity. Because, as all of us who are fortunate enough to live in the United States recognize, a bad election is better than no election at all.

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