Amendment Mania

Thank goodness there are politicians out there looking out for the best interest of my marriage.

President Bush wants Congress to add an amendment to the Constitution that will protect marriage. And if there's one thing America needs right now, it is some politician who's willing to escort marriage down the path of righteousness.

In a nutshell, Bush's Protect Marriage amendment would make it impossible for gay people to get married in America.

As we all know by now, gay people have become a tremendous impediment to legitimate marriages everywhere. Marriages are breaking up at an alarming rate because of gays.

Have you ever wondered what "irreconcilable differences" actually means? Hint: It's gotta have something to do with gays.

In the Bush-eyed view of domestic life, the Constitution has become too generous with its gifts of liberty, to the point that the Constitution needs to start getting exclusionary. What's more, gays have been getting uppity lately, so we desperately need a Constitutional amendment to put them in their place.

Unfortunately, Bush's proposed amendment does not go far enough to protect marriage.

Once he manages to enact Amendment XXVIII, popularly known as the "We Don't Tolerate Such Behavior" amendment, Bush should immediately press for the following additional constitutional revisions that would ensure that the institution of marriage is forever safe in America:

Amendment XXIX. Three Strikes You're Out: Citizens who have been divorced three times shall be legally barred from obtaining another marriage license.

Let's face it, the more people get married, the more likely they are to get a divorce. To paraphrase something President Bush might actually say someday, divorce is one of the leading reasons marriages come to an end.

If we can legally stop weddings among people who have proven they can't stay married, the institution of marriage will be protected.

Amendment XXX. Them Cheatin' SOBs: This amendment will impose jail terms on people who cheat on their spouses.

Infidelity is a big hurdle in maintaining the sanctity of marriage. It's almost a bigger problem than gays. If we're truly serious about protecting marriage, we should put some teeth in the infidelity laws.

Amendment XXXI. The Procreators Protection Act: Provisions of this amendment will mandate lengthy prison terms for any mother or father who abandons a family home with children under the age of 18.

You married him? You had kids by him? You're stuck with them. Leave and you face a future behind bars, without conjugal visits.

Amendment XXXII. Cohabitation Ban: This amendment would enable the forces of Homeland Security to enforce laws that forbid men and women from living together without first engaging in a wedding ceremony.

Surveys show that America boasts the highest divorce rate among the leading industrialized nations. During the last 30 years, the number of single mothers in the United States increased from 3 million to 10 million, while the number of single fathers increased from 393,000 to 2 million. Studies show that one out of every five married persons cheat on a spouse at least once in their life.

Marriage does need help, but codifying our phobias into the Constitution won't make a dent.