YEAR OF THE MONKEY

Things to accomplish in 2004, which is the Year of the Monkey:

JANUARY
* Find leash for monkey.
* Organize first annual "Concours d'Ugly Trucks" in Prunedale.
* Start faddish diet that works for six weeks until body is too weak to
care.
* Take scuba lessons.

FEBRUARY
* Celebrate dynamic new breakthroughs in nematode research at upcoming
alfalfa forum.
* Divert local tax crusaders to Natividad Medical Center emergency room
when sick.
* Learn new language.

MARCH
* Improve political knowledge by reading every book written by Michael
Savage, Michael Moore, Bill O'Reilly and Al Franken.
* Sign up for groping lessons with governor.
* Organize "Dukes of Hazzard Tribute and Film Festival" in Prunedale.
* Take skydiving lessons.

APRIL
* Lead campaign to place Bill Clinton's image on $3 bill.
* Solve California's pesky budget problem.
* Get up-to-date on ever-important Scott Peterson criminal proceedings.
* Take marimba lessons.

MAY
* Share cognac, cigar and meaningful conversation with Sen. Jeff Denham.
* Release new hip-hop album.
* Put Prunedale vacation home up on blocks.
* Join Oprah Book Club.

JUNE
* Travel to France; call citizens pansies for making love, not war.
* Stay at the Paris Hilton.
* Appear on Larry King Live.
* Learn to keep big mouth shut.

JULY
* Win contract to rebuild Iraq.
* Deny role in scandal.
* Hire attorney.
* Complain about meddling prosecutors.
* Plead to lesser charge.
* Take macrame lessons from Martha Stewart.

AUGUST
* Apply for patent for epoxy-cement method to secure unstable earthquake
faults.
* Sell Prunedale fashion line to Wal-Mart.
* Clear out schedule for cameo appearance in next Clint Eastwood film.
* Take acting lessons.

SEPTEMBER
* Initiate rigorous iron-pumping regimen in preparation for
gubernatorial campaign.
* Find Osama, weapons of mass destruction and Gray Davis' soul.
* Organize "Exploding Meth Lab Festival" in Prunedale.
* Declare individuality with obnoxious new tattoo.

OCTOBER
* See San Francisco Giants win the World Series.
* Eliminate future references to primates from columns.
* Learn to play violin.

NOVEMBER
* Win contract to count votes in Florida.
* Declare presidential winner.
* Discover misplaced boxes of ballots found in belly of alligator.
* Declare new presidential winner.
* Get appointed to winner's cabinet.

DECEMBER
* Teach old dog new tricks.
* Find beggar who is a chooser.
* Judge a book by its cover.
* Remove good intentions from path to hell.
* Return to drawing board.
* Eliminate clichés from vocabulary.