Mugging for the Camera

The staff and management would be remiss if they failed to remind
consumers to enjoy the Year of the Monkey.

It goes without saying that this will be a special year for the Joe
Livernois Column, which was established on the bedrock belief that the
effective use of monkeys can be a vital tool in encouraging public
debate and the understanding of the burning issues we face as a
society.

Plus, monkeys are funny little buggers.

We are proud that the Joe Livernois Column is recognized as the first
column in a newspaper of general circulation to make routine use of
monkeys and other primates to illustrate the important issues that
confront the new millennium.

You can't go wrong if you've got a monkey in your corner.

This time-honored truism has been embraced by Dennis Miller, the
professional outraged satirist and failed Monday Night Football color
commentator who generally makes the Joe Livernois Column look like
Shirley Temple.

Miller has a new gig as the latest angry white person on CNBC.

Miller will have his own talk show, but he quickly realized that it
will be difficult to distinguish himself from the pack of angry white
persons who now crowd the radio and television airwaves like rats in a Brooklyn
tenement unless he had a gimmick.

What better gimmick than a monkey?

According to recent reports, Miller will employ a real live monkey to
serve as his co-host, in tribute to the pioneering television primate,
J. Fred Muggs.

As most current AARP card-holders will recall, Muggs was a huge star
back in the days when he co-hosted the "Today" show on NBC.

Back in its infancy, the Today show was a miserable failure and NBC
executives were about to pull the plug until someone got the bright
idea in 1953 that a chimp should be employed to join Dave Garroway as a
host.

Of course, the show became a huge success, even after Muggs was
replaced on the show with Geraldo Rivera's moustache. Muggs is credited with
paving the way in the entertainment industry for Clyde, the orangutan
who starred in those Clint Eastwood films, and for Chuck Norris.

Miller's producers wanted to name Miller's monkey "J. Fred Muggs,"
according to the reports, but learned that the real J. Fred Muggs is
still alive and well and is in fact the curator of Michael Jackson's
Elephant Man exhibit in Wonderland.

(Editor's note: We're only making up part of this.)

The producers wisely decided to name Miller's monkey "Muggsy," after
learning that J. Fred Muggs is still very bitter and prone to
litigation.

Anyway, the idea is to dress Muggsy in color-coded T-shirts that will
correspond with the terror-alert level and have him sit in on some
interviews.

Miller is understandably thrilled to be using a monkey as a prop.

‘‘He’s young. He’s a comer,’’ Miller said. ‘‘And he’s still not too
jaded to throw fecal matter at you like the original.’’