CORRESPONDENCE WITH MARS


Dear Earthlings,
We hope you get this postcard. We are having a wonderful time, wish you were here.
As you may have noticed from the photo on the front, Mars seems to be a lifeless, rock-strewn chunk of an orbiting sphere. However, once you spend time here, you'll also notice that Mars was once a thriving life-bearing planet, complete with flowing water, a comfortable atmosphere and advanced premium outlet shopping malls featuring The Gap and Wal-Mart.
There are not many of us left after the great environmental apocalypse of Mars. Who'd have thought aerosol cans could destroy a planet, eh?
Anyway, those of us who survived are getting along quite nicely down here at the planet's core. We burrowed under and created a civilization beneath the surface, which is why you can't see us.
Next time you send over a robot, tell him to bring along some reading material. We're getting tired of drawing pictures on the cave walls.
Sincerely,
The Martians

Dear Martians,
Thanks for writing. Sorry to hear about your environmental disaster.
Nevertheless, we are thrilled to learn there is life on Mars. It never occured to us to look beneath the surface.
You haven't seen Osama bin Laden down there, have you? (ha-ha!)
We are glad you are doing well, despite the difficulties, and we are willing to send the folks from Halliburton Co. to Mars to help with the rebuilding process. Also, our friends at the State Department say they would love to send agents up to help you reestablish a civilized society.
We have honored your request for reading material and are sending along material that might help you learn more about our civilization. Please find enclosed a copy of the Declaration of Independence, the complete works of Shakespeare, the Bible and the Koran, Microsoft's annual report, and a tattered copy of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."
Sincerely,
The Earthlings

Dear Earthlings,
Thanks for your kind offer of assistance.
You should probably know that there's not much here on Mars that would be of benefit to Earth. We had a lot of oil, but its all gone now. In fact, the survivors of the environmental apocalypse are now living between the shale deposits that once produced oil on our planet. We have no trees, no energy sources, no valuable minerals.
Nevertheless, we could use any help you have to offer. Let's talk.
Sincerely,
The Martians

Dear Martians,
Well, it's been nice talking to you.
We'd love to help. But, as it turns out, we have a lot of other important things to do right now.
Keep in touch. Let us know if we can send a shipment of food or clothes, or something.
Sincerely,
The Earthlings