Golf Tips for Dummies

With the AT&T Pebble Beach MetLife Charles Schwab Corporate-Branding Pro-Am in full swing, casual golfers are taking more than casual interest in their own game.

The golfers on the courses in Pebble Beach this week are finely honed athletes who have suffered through years of intense training to refine their grip on their putters, and their skills have inspired many of us to improve our own games.

It would be folly for casual golfers to think they will ever be able to grip their putters like the professionals. However, golf can be an enjoyable time-squandering distraction for those of us who are willing to approach the sport with the respect it demands.

Because I'm a life-wasting sluggard, people naturally assume I play a lot of golf. As a result, they are constantly asking me for tips, tricks and handy pointers they can use to improve their own game.

As a public service, I am sharing the accumulated knowledge of my golf experiences so that you, my trusted readers, can at least enjoy the time you fritter away on the golf course.

Warning: I am not a sanctioned golf professional, which means that I've never worn a double-knit shirt with an alligator logo. Readers who suffer from convulsive twitching should ignore the following tips.

Mental approach. Maintaining the proper mental approach to the game is perhaps the most important element of golf. Golf is 90 percent schizophrenic.

Before stepping on the course, achieve a Zenlike calm. Consult your swami. Engage in your favorite relaxation exercises. Allow yourself a cleansing weep. Feng Shui your golf bag. Linger at the clubhouse tavern.

Equipment Collarless shirts, farm animals, polo mallets, diversity of style and howitzers are not allowed on most golf courses. Check with your club professional.

Selecting the appropriate driver. Every successful golfer will tell you that selecting a good driver is a critical element of their game. Hire a sober driver with a good driving record, someone who will arrive promptly at your door at the appointed hour so that you will not be late for your tee time.

The classic golf stance. Your toes should be properly aligned with your elbows so that your shoulders will naturally splay out and separate during your backswing. Your spine should be bent at a 65-degree angle leeward, with your eyes focused intently on a blade of grass exactly 7 inches behind your ball.

Respect the course. Remember that the golf course on which you are playing was once a pristine wilderness, an abundant ecosystem that sustained an incredible abundance of native plants and animals. Please replace all divots.

Proper etiquette. If you have struck a ball that appears destined to strike another golfer, holler out: "Hey, watch out 'fore the ball strikes you upside your head."

Caddie Management Disparage and humiliate your caddie at every opportunity. Otherwise, he will expect a decent tip.

Improving your score. If the ball lands in the forest or in the tall grass, discreetly kick the ball forward until you have a more "favorable lie." Subtract a stroke from score every time you take a swing from a sand trap. When adding up strokes, conveniently "forget" muffs, whiffs, chunks, blades and skulls. Argue combatively if your announced score is challenged.