A Marked Man

My tattoos are my public declaration that I am a unique individual.

Like this tattoo here that covers my upper right arm, the one with the Don Knotts portrait. Nobody else in the world has a Don Knotts tattoo on their upper right arm except me. I'm just glad the artist could do Don Knotts as Ralph Furley in "Three's Company." Otherwise, I would have been stuck with Don Knotts as Mr. Limpet.

And I'll bet you don't recognize this portrait emblazoned on my right arm. That's Soren Kierkegaard, that deep thinker dude from someplace in Europe who thought up existentialism.

Don't you think the yin and yang of Don Knotts and Kierkegaard on opposite arms is a deeply ironic statement? I am quite the clever character.

And unique, as my tattoos so dramatically make clear.

Have you seen this one here on the calf of my left leg with the full-scale diorama of the invasion of Normandy? Did you notice the way the halftracks seem to come to life when my leg cramps up?

It takes a rare person to adorn oneself with tattoos, someone who is willing to mark oneself - with indelible markings that will sag and fade as I get scrawny and wrinkly in my dotage - simply to mask my profound lack of a serviceable personality.

And I am nothing if not profound.

The great thing is, you don't even have to get to know me as a person before you can know me as a person. You can just check out the tattoos and you'll know I'm cool.

The person I am is illustrated right here on my skin.

For instance, right off the bat you could tell I have a keen sense of humor when you saw my tattoo of overly romantic monkeys on my skull.

Hey, have I shown you my back yet? Here, let me take off my shirt. That's right, what you are seeing is Lord Byron's entire body of work printed in 16-point Arabic Sihafa. It took the artist 18 months to finish the job, but it was worth the effort.

And, here, in my right armpit, is a portrait of Lord Byron himself.

Pretty cool, huh?

Personally, I'm partial to this silly little tattoo here on my spleen that depicts Chairman Mao wearing a Little Pony T-shirt. It's the best $5,000 I ever spent because it best represents who I am as a person.

I'm just sorry you can't see it, seeing as how it's on my spleen.

And I can't tell you why I like this one here on my right cheek of this injection molding tool, but I simply fell in love with it when I saw it on the wall at the parlor.

Of course, I'm not completely happy with all my tattoos.

Like the jerk at the parlor refuses to give me my 240 bucks back after he misspelled this tattoo here across my chest. I mean, I figured any moron knows it's not spelled "Proondale."

Also, I can do without this one around my neck. It was my very first tattoo, and I got it to memorialize my love for an old girlfriend. Unfortunately, she left me several days later for a circus geek who can pick up a cannonball with his tongue.

I'll regret having to go to my grave with the name "Gertrude" tattooed around my neck, but that's the price I must pay for being a unique individual.