Trials on the Campaign Trail

It's difficult to be conciliatory at a time like this, just days after that inferior jerk beat me so decidedly in Tuesday's election.

On the other hand, I must admit in retrospect that my campaign was not as disciplined as it could have been. And while it is true that the results of the election indicate that the electorate is dumber than a box of tumors, I can't help but think I got some rotten advice from my professional campaign handlers.

A politican can only get better when he learns from his mistakes and this previous campaign was a good learning experience.

For instance, showing off my banjo in campaign advertising was probably a mistake. Next time I'll pull out the accordian.

If I was to be completely honest with myself, I'd have to admit that my credibility was badly damaged when I enlisted hobos to conduct my door-to-door campaign.

When declaring that I was the "values candidate," I now realize that it sounded desperately boastful to also say that I was "God's hand-picked candidate."

At the same time, I never should have referred to my opponent a "godless heathen" and "Lucifer's right-hand man." In fact, I should have refused to participate in that debate.

If I could do it over again, I wouldn't hire those goons to hang around the polling places to "look intimidating."

My campaign never fully recovered from that well-publicized incident involving the spider monkey and the vice-chairman of the Republican central committee.

Enlisting Dennis Rodman and Eminem to make campaign appearances on my behalf was an egregious error in judgment. And Bette Midler was no help at all.

It was also a mistake when I promised to "tax the bloody hell" out of my constituents.

My campaign volunteers seemed to be more interested in the Scott Peterson trial than in getting me elected.

Speaking of campaign volunteers, opening my campaign headquarters next door to the "massage parlor" proved a distraction.

Inviting the guys from the Service Employees International Union local to handle my public relations early in the campaign might have been naive, but allowing them to send out that sexist mailer with the spelling errors was even dumber.

Slapping Tim Russert didn't help my cause.I guess I should have returned that big campaign contribution from the government of France.

In this day and age, it was probably a strategic error to depend on the "youth vote."Maybe I shouldn't have worn that ridiculous cowboy hat in my commercials after all.

I suppose I never should have referred to Arnold Schwarzenegger as a "sissy immigrant." But, honestly, I never expected those remarks would be made public.

Those spiteful ads by the "Hanoi Cathouse Veterans for Truth" destroyed my campaign.

My service in the Peace Corps was never fully appreciated by the electorate. Next time, I'll emphasize my service as a drunken National Guardsman.

I suppose, in retrospect, that voters may have thought I was some sort of wierd conspiratorial kook when I went public with the information that "they" are out to kill me.

And, finally, I will learn how to drawl for the next campaign.