Spin This, Big Mouth

The vast left-wing conspiracy has conspired against Bill O'Reilly, as we all knew it eventually would.

According to the lawsuit against him, the paragon of right-wing righteous indignation conducts his personal life as though he were a common, everyday NBA star. Or Bill Clinton.

The lawsuit, filed by an associate producer of "The O'Reilly Factor," charges that Bill O'Reilly too willingly shares his obsession with sex toys and telephonic intercourse, and he does it in a way that creates a hostile work environment.

Our favorite radio gasbag and television blather-meister is also a horndog?

What's next? Will we soon learn that Tucker Carlson inappropriately fondles George Will's bow ties? That Rush Limbaugh is addicted to painkillers?

But I'm not here to pillory the foaming masters of wing-nut media sludge.

In fact, I am convinced that Bill O'Reilly is innocent.

Consider the evidence:

* First of all, it is not fair to leap to conclusions about anyone based on whispered hints and sordid allegations, no matter how despicable we might believe the victim of those allegations might be.

Let us not forget that all Americans are innocent until proven guilty.

For a person to assess judgment on another person or an issue based on ambiguous facts and dubious accusations would make that person no better than... well, Bill O'Reilly himself.

And that, my friends, would be a cheap shot.

* Who in their right mind could believe that someone like Bill O'Reilly would think that Bill O'Reilly is so sexy that Bill O'Reilly could actually impress women with Bill O'Reilly's Caribbean shower fantasies?

How self-delusional would a Bill O'Reilly have to be?

* Bill O'Reilly recently released a children's book in which he offers advice to the hapless children of parents who would actually buy their offspring a Bill O'Reilly book.

In this book, O'Reilly counsels kids that "healthy sex is a combination of sensible behavior and sincere affection."

Over the years, O'Reilly has engaged in temple-throbbing rants against the alleged faltering morality of American society with ear-splitting evangelistic fervor.

O'Reilly may be a rabid bonehead who is completely wrong about his politics, but he couldn't also be a hypocrite. Could he?

Think about it. Why would someone who has railed against wet T-shirts and Janet Jackson and Jocelyn Elders share his twisted pillow fantasies with a hired underling who, not coincidentally, is a female?Especially when he has a book of virtues to sell?

* Bill O'Reilly is a role model and people who are considered role models should take that responsibility seriously and should remain squeaky clean, especially when people like Bill O'Reilly and the evil media are so anxious to shatter role model images.

More than anyone else, Bill O'Reilly knows that impressionable people depend on him for moral guidance.

* Bill O'Reilly's book for kids also includes this sage advice:

"And guys, if you exploit a girl, it will come back to get you. It's called 'karma.'''

Or, in O'Reilly's case, it's called Karma Sutra.