Ban Bicoastalism Today!

It's high time the people of America rise up in a united and righteously shrill voice to condemn bicoastalism.

It has become painfully evident that bicoastalism threatens the sanctity of marriage.

We need laws, that's what we need. Better yet, we need constitutional amendments.

We need strong and decisive action to protect the institution of marriage against the diabolical poison of unnatural bicoastal marriages that have crept into our society.

Of course, we are not being judgmental when we say that flaming bicoastals are wretched handmaidens of hellish terror who undermine everything that is right and good.

But the threat is there, and we can either ignore it or we can write our Congressman today and demand that he support legislation to ban bicoastalism.

The foreboding spectre of bicoastalism reared its ugly head this week with news that Gavin Newsom and his wife, a woman called "Kimberly," are ending their 3-year-old bicoastal marriage.

Are you surprised?

According to whispered rumors, reckless innuendo and hard fact, Kimberly Newsom lives and works on one coast while her husband — shockingly — lives and works on another coast.

Kimberly, a former lingerie model who first drew Gavin's attention when she worked in the San Francisco District Attorney's Office, now works in the entertainment field, wears fashionably black garments and lives in New York.

Meanwhile, Gavin lives in San Francisco and hangs out with gay people, welling up shamelessly at their weddings and learning to make killer canapes.

Friends of the couple saw disaster coming long ago, when Gavin and Kimberly first announced they would become a bicoastal couple.

At the time, Gavin had just been elected mayor of San Francisco, a city renowned for its brazen bicoastalism.

Married less than a year, Kimberly announced that she "never signed on" to be a mayor's wife. Plus, she had just received that fabulous offer to work for Court TV and who could turn down a job like that?

So she took off for the big city, while Gavin was forced to remain in California. As mayor of San Francisco, Gavin is thrust with the awesome responsibility of crafting new civic measures meant to offend prudes, sanctimonious zealots and Ann "Sugar Britches" Coulter.

According to a San Francisco Chronicle story, a close friend whispered that "it's no secret they have been leading separate lives. She's on one coast, he's on the other — how can you make a marriage work like that?"

So they are getting a divorce, another marriage torn asunder by the insidious menace of bicoastalism.

And when bicoastalism is allowed to flourish and prosper, it's a well-known fact that those of us who practice unicoastal marriages suffer. Somehow. We're not sure how yet, but we're pretty darn certain it's true because our literal translation of something we read seems to indicate it's true. Or something.

Anyway, let's get that constitutional amendment rolling. The sanctity of your marriage depends on it.