MY SWEET RANCHO

My checklist to develop Rancho San Rancho:

* Assess the political climate for new subdivisions in Monterey County.

* Delude self into believing that everyone in Monterey County will happily embrace Rancho San Rancho's modern and state-of-the-art "new ruralism" design.

* Lie to investors about political climate in Monterey County.

* Hire local attorney who "knows how the system works."

* Memorize this line: "Rancho San Rancho will solve the local housing crisis."

* Show up at planning department with top-notch plans for Rancho San Rancho development. Fill out complicated development application.

* Election day is approaching: Contribute to friendly political candidates.

* Stop all agricultural production on Rancho San Rancho immediately so experts can later declare at public hearings that farming on the property is "not viable."

* Friendly candidate is facing tougher campaign than expected. Send more money.

* Cool heels for two or three years until planning department finally gets around to Rancho San Rancho development application.

* Make donation to local charity to indicate willingness to be a part of the community.

* Call newspaper editor to explain why donation to local charity should be tomorrow's banner headline.

* Hang out in area near Rancho San Rancho to shmooze with nagging neighbors.

* Shrug off nagging neighbors' concerns about water and traffic; hire hydrologists and engineers willing to prove Rancho San Rancho will actually improve the water supply and reduce highway traffic.

* Explain "new ruralism," using big and confusing words that nagging neighbors won't understand.

* Good news: Planning department finally got around to Rancho San Rancho application. Bad news: Environmental reports will cost thousands and will delay project another year or two.

* Quick! Send nocturnal poachers to Rancho San Rancho to capture red-legged frogs and other pesky endangered critters before environmental consultant shows up for inspection.

* Assure anxious investors that Rancho San Rancho application is "moving right along."

* Host extravagant party at AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am and invite every public official who might someday be asked to approve Rancho San Rancho.

* Listen with condescending patience while nagging neighbors and stupid no-growthers rip Rancho San Rancho to shreds during public hearings.

* Instruct attorney to counteract stupid no-growthers' testimony by declaring that Rancho San Rancho will solve housing crisis.

* Pretend that outcome was ever in doubt by profusely thanking governing board after it inevitably approves Rancho San Rancho.

* Hang around shopping malls to badger volunteers collecting signatures to stop Rancho San Rancho.

* Mumble profanities when nagging neighbors file lawsuits challenging Rancho San Rancho.

* Explain to investors why original summation of political climate was seriously flawed.

* Wait a few years, then return to planning department with "new and improved" plan for Rancho San Rancho.