Queer Eye for Snagglepuss

Thank goodness alert do-gooders like myself have dedicated our lives to high-minded pursuits, like the sex lives of cartoon characters.

Without our warnings, millions of people who are not as bright as we are might naively get sucked in to the homosexual lifestyles now in fashion with so many popular cartoon characters.

The alarm was sounded recently when Dr. James Dobson urgently warned the American public that SpongeBob SquarePants has fallen prey to the forces of depravity soon after SpongeBob was spotted arm-in-arm with Tinky Winky during last year's Halloween celebration in the Castro District.

What Dobson doesn't tell us, however, is that there is a long and troubled history of deviant behavior among cartoon characters, a situation that the liberal media have "covered up" for way too long.

Since the invention of television, insidious pagans have successfully brainwashed America's youth with manipulative cartoons with the clear intention of turning us all into a society of SquarePants.

Because the Joe Livernois Column believes it has a sacred duty to lift the scab of secrecy from the festering sore of decadence, we are obliged to out beloved cartoon characters who are leading double lives.

This may be shocking to some readers, but the serious pursuit of ridiculous innuendo about fictitious characters is a messy business.

* Betty Boop is really a guy.

* How obvious can a cartoon character named "Woody Woodpecker" be?

* Who among us hasn't wondered about Donald Duck and his so-called "nephews?" Donald always had his Daisy, sure, but Rock Hudson always had his Doris Day.

* Even as children, most of us surely recognized the sadly latent repression evident in Yosemite Sam, what with him blasting his six-shooter into the floor all the time.

* Has anyone ever seen an episode of Bugs Bunny in which, at some point, Bugs isn't dressed in drag?

* Bullwinkle is certainly not gay, but he deserves our scorn and he will be condemned to eternal torment for his misguided "tolerance" of Rocky.

* Has anyone ever seen Elmer Fudd with a wife?

* What possible conclusion can we make for "Cub Reporter" Jimmy Olson, who is constantly putting himself in harm's way to be saved by Superman and who is profoundly jealous of Lois Lane?

* The "dynamic duo" of Batman and Robin? Fred and Barney? Sherman and Peabody? Give me a break.

* Heavens to Murgatroyd. Snagglepuss has gotta be gay!

* Schroeder seems to spend way too much time at the piano, spurning the advances of Lucy. And let's not forget Peppermint Patty.

* Yogi Bear might seem "smarter than the average bear," but how many straight bears do you know who wander around the forest wearing nothing but a hat and a tie in the company of a chap named "Boo-Boo?" At least SpongeBob wears trousers.

* Wile E. Coyote recently came out of the closet after the vice squad discovered his stash of "Acme Marital Aids."

* If you ask us, Clutch Cargo and his pals seem to be having way too much fun in the jungle.

* Take our word for it: Popeye is definitely not gay!