The Government Handout

News item from Reuters: Havana, March 9, 2005 — President Fidel Castro honored women in Cuba this week with an announcement that every household will soon receive brand new rice cookers.

Havana, March 9, 2046 — Proof that Cuba is streaking proudly into the 21th Century came this week when Fidel Castro announced Cuba's revolutionary "Grilled Cheese Sandwich Maker Initiative."

Capping an 11-hour speech commemorating International Women's Day, the 119-year-old Castro announced that 100,000 sandwich makers will be available at the end of the month at subsidized prices.

"Those of you who like grilled cheese sandwich makers, raise your hands," Castro said to the rousing cheers of about a dozen women who were still awake at the fifth hour of the lovable dictator's speech. Castro then spent the next six hours talking passionately about the merits of sandwich makers, particularly those manufactured in China.

Cuban women applauded the initiative, saying the sandwich makers will come in handy someday, whenever Castro gets around to announcing his revolutionary "Loaf of Bread Initiative."

Also, they generally believed the sandwich makers are a vast improvement over last year's revolutionary "Night Shirt With Che's Portrait Initiative."

"This is great," said one Cuban housewife. "In what other country will the government just up and give you a sandwich maker?"

Off the record, Cuban women said they wondered how they would be able get the sandwich makers to work, since trade barriers with capitalist swine imperialists forced the island's last functioning power plant to "run out of electricity" seven years ago.

"Maybe next year Castro will announce his revolutionary 'Electric Ice Tea Maker Initiative'," said another Cuban housewife sarcastically. "In retrospect, I guess Batista probably wasn't all that bad."

Nevertheless, the women were generally grateful because sandwich makers have long been a treasured but expensive appliance in Cuba, where average salaries are now $16 a month. On the black market, sandwich makers are selling for $450.

The Grilled Cheese Sandwich Maker Initiative is a key indicator that Cuba's economy is in full recovery. The island's financial security was boosted by its recent trade agreement with Itchystan, the former Soviet bloc nation that has recently suffered from a shortage of cigars.

During a nine-hour speech earlier this week, Castro said the country's fiscal recovery offers a glimmer of hope that his revolutionary dream to free Cubans from the shackles of colonialist swine may soon become reality.

The sandwich maker initiative is also considered a major cultural improvement for the equality of women in Cuba, though analysts were unable to explain exactly why.

Following Castro's 11-hour speech commemorating women, the dictator launched into a seven-hour lecture during which he promised to root out and punish "unsavory dissidents" and "treasonous wimps" who are reportedly hoarding and trading salad shooters on the black market.

Later in the day, as he was returning home in his 1968 Volkswagen limo, Castro survived an assassination attempt for a record 1,073rd time.