PRISON SPINNING

(This column appeared June 3, 2005)

Rather than being all doom and gloom, the downers from Amnesty International might consider a look on the bright side of life.

As we all know by now, Amnesty International is whining and complaining about the treatment of prisoners in Guantanamo. That's because Amnesty International is composed of people who hate America. These America-haters claim that U.S. military prisons are similar to Russian "gulags," a word that is so much fun to write that Solzhenitsyn used it about a million times in his novels.

You should also remember that international organizations that criticize America do so only because they hate America. Folks who love America certainly wouldn't criticize America, especially if they don't want to end up in some gulag.

Anyhow, our own investigation into the treatment of prisoners indicates Amnesty International either overlooked or -- more likely -- intentionally ignored key elements that prove enemy detainees are being cared for with tender loving care.

In fact, these people are being treated so well that the administration decided to discard the Geneva Conventions, on the basis that the people who signed the Geneva Conventions failed to dot their i's with smiley faces.

As our gulag investigation shows, prisoners are being treated awfully swell.

Consider the following standardized programs offered in Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib and the Bagram Air Force Base:

• Wednesday night all-you-can-eat bologna buffet.

• Monthly delousings.

• Work-for-merit opportunities at nearby Nike factories.

• Boudoir portrait opportunities with props that include dog collars, leashes and skanky Pfc.

• Sunday night all-you-can-eat Spam buffet.

• Instant access to all Michael Jackson trial-related news.

• Quran-fueled central heating systems in all prisons!

• Unlimited access to Fresca dispenser.

• Aerobic cell-pacing classes.

• Thursday entertainment night, featuring Ann Coulter and a cast of lovable pixies in her madcap musical comedy, "Tribute to Men on Camels."

• Tuesday night all-you-can-eat boiled potato buffet.

• Moving pile of sand from one side of the yard to the next.

• Aerobic haunch-sitting classes.

• Weekly football games pitting guards vs. inmates, just like "The Longest Yard." (Note: Limited supply of pads and helmets distributed on first-come, first-serve basis after guards are fully equipped.)

• Crackdown on practice of punishing inmates who make "fly-in-my-gruel" jokes in prison cafeteria.

• Friday night all-you-can-eat "flies 'n' gruel" buffet.

• Twenty-four hour loop broadcast of "Friends" reruns.

• Aerobic bedbug-herding classes.