I REMEMBER THAT GUY!

I feel much safer, now that the director of the CIA mentioned that he has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding.

But there are complications.

Osama. Remember him? He's that guy who masterminded 9/11. Wears a turban. Long beard. Goat herder. Will spend eternity in the luxurious presence of vestigal virgins when he finally kicks the bucket.

Osama is evil, the living incarnation of fire-breathing villainy. Some writer once won a Pulitzer Prize for calling him an "unspeakable bastard."

When was that? Four years ago?

We were all hepped up back then, determined to root this rotten jerk out of the Afghan kush and show him who's boss. We were going to exact revenge, make him pay for mounting the bloodiest attack on mainland America in history.

No one attacks us and gets away with it.

Remember?

It was a big gnarly thing at the time. Everybody was excited and agitated and willing to go to war, if that's what it took to find the creep. It was all anybody thought about. We were going to root out evil, leave no stone unturned, yadda-yadda.

A lot has happened since then. There was the Scott Peterson deal, for one thing. Michael Jackson. The Runaway Bride. Another Tom Cruise marriage.

Oh, and that deal in Iraq.

But there were complications, of course.

Turns out, Osama bin Laden was a huge inconvenience, since we were already wanting to uproot the evil that is Saddam Hussein. Here we were, gearing up to hunt down one horrible excuse for a human when some other wretch comes out of nowhere and blows a hole into New York City.

It was all so confusing, but we had to do something. Evil is so prevalent that it's hard to know where to start. We had to set priorities.

So we went after Saddam.

Let's face it, Saddam was a nasty fellow who deserved a good bombing. The thinking was we'd get rid of this cretin first so we could then devote our full attention on wicked Osama. How difficult could Iraq be, anyway?

It was a cakewalk, actually.

Remember "Mission Accomplished?" When was that? Two years ago?

But there were complications, of course.

And we haven't forgotten Osama. Nosiree. We're right on top of that situation.

In fact, the director of the CIA happened to mention the other day that he's still got a pretty good idea where Osama is holed up.

He can't tell us where, exactly. If he told us he'd have to kill us.

But he did assure us, in a roundabout way, that America might get around to capturing him some day.

But there are complications, of course.

"When you go to the question of dealing with sanctuaries in sovereign states, you're dealing with a problem of our sense of international obligation, fair play," said Porter Goss, the CIA's Big Kahuna, during an interview with Time magazine in which no irony was intended.

In other words, if you're a fair-minded nation like the United States, you just don't barge in and yank the unspeakable bastard from his sanctuary. Not if you want to maintain credibility in the international community.

It's all so darn complicated.

Who is Tom Cruise marrying, anyway?