ANONYMOUS SOURCE INDUSTRY
COMES TO A GRINDING HALT

Anonymous Source sustained major injuries Thursday during an unspecified motor vehicle accident on an undisclosed public road, according to law enforcement officers who asked not to be identified.

At the time of the incident, Anonymous Source was apparently driving to the New York Times to an interview after a surreptitious meeting with a Time Magazine reporter.

A hospital spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that Anonymous Source will be out of commission for several weeks, sparking a wave of deep concern among those who depend upon the Anonymous Source Industry for their livelihood.

Anonymous Source's age and hometown have not been disclosed.

According to documents leaked to the Joe Livernois Column, Anonymous Source was injured after he leaked scandalous news to a New York Times reporter that Dick Cheney's chief of staff is a guy named "Scooter."

Asked for comment on the Scooter Libby scandal, Karl Rove denied ever knowing that Scooter Libby's sister is a double agent in Baghdad, but insisted that his comments were not for the record. He additionally promised to destroy us if we breathed a word of any of this to anyone.
Anonymous and clueless Democrats immediately seized upon the Scooter Libby scandal.

"This nation is only a stone's throw away from a good old-fashioned impeachment," said another Democratic leader who identified himself only as a former presidential candidate who was once victimized by wretched media weasels who broadcast him screaming like a bipolar banshee after he placed third in the Iowa caucuses.

Time Magazine, citing anonymous sources, immediately turned over a reporter's notes to federal investigators, while the New York Times immediately sent Judith Miller to prison.
"The Times has been trying to find a way to get rid of this reporter for a long time," said an anonymous New York Times insider. "She's been nothing but a shrill shill for the Bush administration, so throwing her in prison was an agreeable alternative. If she wants to spend her professional career protecting guys named Scooter, prison's too good a place for her."

Another New York Times insider, calling from Judith Miller's cell phone, disputed the other anonymous insider's claim, saying that the jailed reporter is a "martyr for constitutional ideals."
While the second insider refused to identify himself, he ended his telephone conversation by saying: "By the way, I am not my wife's husband."

Meanwhile, a source for federal investigators who spoke on condition of anonymity told an anonymous reporter early Thursday that the search for more anonymous sources is continuing.
"We'll root out every last one of them," he said in anonymous tones.

"All we know for certain at the moment is that Scooter Libby has been identified as a person who rose through the ranks of politics despite the fact that he goes by the name 'Scooter,'" said another anonymous federal investigator. "Oh, and we've also learned that Robert Novak is a blathering sack of dung."

Meanwhile, President George Bush said Thursday that he supports "Skipper Lubby" ompletely.

"I will not fire him if he has been involved in a crime," said Bush. "Unless, of course, it can be shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has been convicted, federally speaking, of a crime."

Bush then asked that he not be identified.

Bush later boarded Air Force One, which departed on condition of anonymity.