WOULD YOU BELIEVE A ONE-LEGGED MONKEY
WITH A POLAROID CAMERA AND A SHOE PHONE?

The best rumor floating along the Gulf Coast these days involves mercenary dolphins unleashed by Katrina.

According to The Observer, a British newspaper with a keen eye for Top Secret spy stuff, about three dozen trained assassin dolphins are missing from a dolphin military compound.

Alarmingly, these dolphins are trained killers and are armed with toxic dart guns. They have apparently been guarding the Gulf of Mexico to shoot frogman terrorists and to locate aquatic spies who are conspiring to destroy America from their underwater spy headquarters.

The staff and management here at the Joe Livernois Column are spreading this rumor because we are anxious to print stuff that smacks of tabloid journalism, because we exhibit a lack of community responsibility and because we are always seeking unique ways to undermine our credibility.

Also, we are cynically aware that people will believe anything they read in a newspaper, especially if the newspaper is published in the United Kingdom.

But this killer dolphin story just might be true, since The Observer cited someone identified as an expert.

The Observer quoted Leo Sheridan, identified as a "respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry."

Sheridan reports he has seen intelligence reports from the U.S. government that confirm the murderous dolphins are indeed missing.

"My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises," Sheridan told The Observer. The problem, of course, is that blood-thirsty dolphins could initiate a tragic assault upon the unsuspecting divers and windsurfers who use the Gulf Coast as their personal playground.

The U.S. military refuses to confirm that their attack dolphins are missing.

In fact, if they told us anything at all about their dolphins, they would have to kill us.

This is not surprising, considering the military's reluctance to divulge other top-secret anti-terrorism initiatives involving animals.

Few Americans, for instance, are aware that the CIA has sanctioned the release of 1,000 mountain goats equipped with video cameras into the Afghan Kush.

As we are all aware, the U.S. military is serious about its efforts to flush out the crazed madman responsible for the worst atrocity ever committed on America's mainland more than four years ago. What's that guy's name again? Osama something?

Anyway, the CIA firmly believes that we might finally capture that guy with the assistance of video-equipped mountain goats.

The U.S. military has also managed to keep secret its most inspired primate spy program in the annals of primate spy history.

According to experts in the primate spy field, dozens of chimpanzees wearing garish sports coats and pork pie hats were released into Iraq five years ago to seek out weapons of mass destruction.

Based on their findings, then-Secretary of State Colin Powell delivered a rousing speech to the United Nations in which he persuasively justified stirring up the hornet's nest in the Middle East.

Rumor has it that the chimpanzees have since been decommissioned and are now in charge at FEMA.

Dedicated to Don Adams and our friends at CONTROL and KAOS.