TELEVISION WILL EAT YOUR BRAIN;
MONTEREY WILL EAT YOUR SPIRIT

With television's fall season upon us, it is a good time to introduce the new shows viewers will want to catch on public access channels.

Cable companies are required to provide locally produced programming via dedicated channels that would otherwise be occupied by a channel most consumers would prefer to watch, like the All Informercial Channel.

Because let's face it, if viewers were truly interested in a two-hour Carmel City Council debate about some guy's proposed side-yard setback, viewers would have gone to the meeting instead of waiting until the rebroadcast on a Sunday afternoon, when the viewer is more likely to be sitting in the Barcalounger in his boxer shorts watching the NFL.

Don't get me wrong. I think more of us should be watching public access stations. It's more real than the networks' reality television, which is to say that viewers are actually required to think before they can understand the drama.

And public access has become much more interesting lately. Just look at this fall's upcoming lineup:

Night Court: Reality tragi-comedy depicting after-hour antics of Monterey County traffic court judge.

Trader Joe's Marathon: A full 24 hours of the Monterey City Council's public hearings regarding a proposal to replace the downtown Safeway with a Trader Joe's.

Everybody Loves Albert: Follow Judge Albert Maldonado as he chases hot dog vendors from the county courthouse.

Democracy Whenever!: The swaggering assistant deputy treasurer of the Monterey County Democratic Club delivers a speech in which he declares that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is evil.

What's Cookin': County inmates unveil secret recipes for jailhouse tamales and holiday Prune-o.

A Cal Am Minute: California American Water Co. representatives discuss their guiding mission to keep customers happy.

The KC: Monica convinces Bubba to skip a King City High School FFA meeting so they can take his cool raised Chevy pickup to help her cousin's friend's sister move to Salinas.

Marina Progress: Follow along as the City Council approves another big box store that will shut down a year after its grand opening.

Natividad Road Blues: Continuous loop of sheriff's deputies who have gathered for open house and inspection. (Program note: Please believe us when we say that this is not a Sheriff Mike Kanalakis campaign commercial. Really.)

'Possum Man: A day in the life of some dude in Prunedale.

Salinas Reads: A Warhol-like production in which a camera is trained at the checkout desk of the Steinbeck Public Library and nothing ever seems to happen.

Gadfly Moments: "Best of" collection featuring the rabid regulars who show up at city council meetings to rant and rave about weird stuff that makes no sense.

Geeks Talk Shop: Round-table discussion featuring local media personalities who talk about how they got their stories, followed by endless whine session about editors and salaries.

Team Monterey: Junior college film class production featuring puppets that depict Board of Supervisors' efforts to adopt a general plan. Puppets are manipulated by the area's top developers, farmers and land-use attorneys.