FAIR AND BALANCED -- NOT TO MENTION
MORE, BETTER, FASTER AND CHEAPER

We have been flummoxed, of late, by our inability to clearly define our mission.

We've gone the retreat route. We've gone round table. We've thrown money at consultants and market surveys.

But we have failed to come up with an appropriately catchy slogan that captures the essence of why were are the column you must depend upon to meet your weekly column needs.

If the Joe Livernois Column is to be taken seriously as serious journalism, it will need a serious slogan that will indicate to the consuming public that we are dedicated to slogans.

Especially if we expect to pawn ourselves off as serious journalists.

In addition to a slogan, we recognize that the column will need a lot of pleasing graphic elements, dramatic music, sound effects, dazzling promos and a perky weather guy.

But all that will come later.

First things first. We need a slogan, preferably one that does not include the words "moron" or "vapid."

Let's face it. We could be the best darn column on the face of the earth, but if we are unable to catch our consumers' attention with a memorable catch-phrase, our consumers will quickly divert their attention to a column that can.

That's because, our market surveys indicate, consumers are easily distracted. Also, they are not very bright and are interested in serious issues only if they feel they can also be entertained.

We have learned, with the assistance of marketing surveys and consultants, that consumers need to be slapped up the side of the head with high-minded bloviation, which is why Fox News has adopted the deviously ironic "Fair and Balanced" slogan.

With a slogan like "Fair and Balanced," you'd think Fox News would present gray and mild-mannered Cronkites, wearing bow ties and a grim countenance, instead of the collection of temple-throbbing Keepers of the Faith they have assembled to serve as moderators.

Unfortunately for Fox News, its Weather Guy Department remains shockingly apolitical.

But the main thing is that Fox News came up with a slogan that works.

So the staff and management at the Joe Livernois Column are desperately trying to craft an appropriate slogan.

Our original plans were ambitious — having James Earl Jones do a quick "This is the Joe Livernois Column" voiceover — but it turns out that James Earl Jones is suffering from some wierd vocal problem that keeps him from sounding like Darth Vader. And our consultants tell us that Ashton Kutcher does not possess the "voice of authority" the column so desperately needs.

The guys in production came up with a great slogan — More, Better, Faster, Cheaper — but our consultants informed us that the motto was first used by a famous communist, some guy named "Mao." What's more, the consultants said that using the slogan might flummox modern consumers who would certainly confuse us for Wal-Mart.

We then thought we had devised a catchy slogan — America's Most Trusted Column — but our legal department informed us that the motto could place us in a tenuous liability position "unless we stopped making stuff up all the time."

So we did the only rational thing we could think of. We fired our consultants.