ANONYMOUS SOURCE INDUSTRY
COMES TO A GRINDING HALT

Anonymous Source sustained major injuries Thursday during an unspecified motor vehicle accident on an undisclosed public road, according to law enforcement officers who asked not to be identified.

At the time of the incident, Anonymous Source was apparently driving to the New York Times to an interview after a surreptitious meeting with a Time Magazine reporter.

A hospital spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that Anonymous Source will be out of commission for several weeks, sparking a wave of deep concern among those who depend upon the Anonymous Source Industry for their livelihood.

Anonymous Source's age and hometown have not been disclosed.

According to documents leaked to the Joe Livernois Column, Anonymous Source was injured after he leaked scandalous news to a New York Times reporter that Dick Cheney's chief of staff is a guy named "Scooter."

Asked for comment on the Scooter Libby scandal, Karl Rove denied ever knowing that Scooter Libby's sister is a double agent in Baghdad, but insisted that his comments were not for the record. He additionally promised to destroy us if we breathed a word of any of this to anyone.
Anonymous and clueless Democrats immediately seized upon the Scooter Libby scandal.

"This nation is only a stone's throw away from a good old-fashioned impeachment," said another Democratic leader who identified himself only as a former presidential candidate who was once victimized by wretched media weasels who broadcast him screaming like a bipolar banshee after he placed third in the Iowa caucuses.

Time Magazine, citing anonymous sources, immediately turned over a reporter's notes to federal investigators, while the New York Times immediately sent Judith Miller to prison.
"The Times has been trying to find a way to get rid of this reporter for a long time," said an anonymous New York Times insider. "She's been nothing but a shrill shill for the Bush administration, so throwing her in prison was an agreeable alternative. If she wants to spend her professional career protecting guys named Scooter, prison's too good a place for her."

Another New York Times insider, calling from Judith Miller's cell phone, disputed the other anonymous insider's claim, saying that the jailed reporter is a "martyr for constitutional ideals."
While the second insider refused to identify himself, he ended his telephone conversation by saying: "By the way, I am not my wife's husband."

Meanwhile, a source for federal investigators who spoke on condition of anonymity told an anonymous reporter early Thursday that the search for more anonymous sources is continuing.
"We'll root out every last one of them," he said in anonymous tones.

"All we know for certain at the moment is that Scooter Libby has been identified as a person who rose through the ranks of politics despite the fact that he goes by the name 'Scooter,'" said another anonymous federal investigator. "Oh, and we've also learned that Robert Novak is a blathering sack of dung."

Meanwhile, President George Bush said Thursday that he supports "Skipper Lubby" ompletely.

"I will not fire him if he has been involved in a crime," said Bush. "Unless, of course, it can be shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has been convicted, federally speaking, of a crime."

Bush then asked that he not be identified.

Bush later boarded Air Force One, which departed on condition of anonymity.

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EVALUATION QUESTIONS

1. Overall, how would you rate this column?

a). Excellent. b). The best ever. c). Freakin' hilarious. d). This guy's a moron.

2. How would you rate the concept of this column?

a). Where does he come up with this stuff! b). Unbelieveably high concept! c). I've never seen better concept! d). What's a concept?

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4. Which part did you like the least?

a). I loved it all! b). Even the least is best! c). You've got to be kidding, right?

5. Should the directors of this column include more high-minded sophisticated drama?

a). No. b). It's already got more bathos than a hillbilly psychodrama.

6. Should a "message" or "lesson" or "weepy interlude" be included in future columns.

a). By "message," do you mean like a message from Mars? b). By "lesson," are we talking about like in school? c). I'm weeping at this very moment.

7. If this column becomes a regularly-scheduled fixture in the Friday newspaper, would you

a). Make every effort to read it. b). Run screaming into the woods. b). Cancel your subscription. c). Refill your prescription.

Welcome to Monterey County;
Now Give Us Some Money

Hey, motorcycle people: Welcome to Monterey County.

Now give us some money.

We are certain you will have a splendid time here on the Monterey Peninsula, viewing our breathtaking vistas and enjoying our temperate weather. And the race itself promises to be great.

And as long as you are here, you may as well give us some money.

We know you must have lots of money, or else you would not have come to Monterey County to begin with. People don't visit Monterey County if they don't have money. If money was an issue, you would have scheduled your race in some third-tier destination spot. Like Bakersfield. Or San Jose.

So we know you have money. We know you are a captive audience. We know you won't want to drive all the way to Santa Nella just to find a hotel room at a reasonable rate. So give us some money.

Sure, you might be able to get a decent hotel room at a good price in Bakersfield. But it's probably 102 degrees in Bakersfield right now. What's more, Bakersfield lacks for scenic vistas. Is that what you want?

Perhaps you motorcycle people don't appreciate that this is Monterey County we're talking about.

We're famous all over the world. Movie stars hang out here. World leaders play golf here.

The movie stars and world leaders give us money all the time while they are here, so there's no reason to expect you shouldn't give us some money.

Looking for a great drive? Try spending a day along Highway 1 through Big Sur. Want to meet Clint Eastwood? Give Carmel a try. Would you like to hang out at a pub or a bookstore? You'll love Monterey.

But the main thing is that you give us some money.

We know what you're thinking. Hey, you're thinking, I just spent $700 for a $69 hotel room in Marina. Why should I give you any money?

Our answer: Because this is Monterey County. And if we know you have no choice but to give us some money, we will demand more.

For instance, if you paid 50 cents for this newspaper, you're ripping us off. Please return it to the rack and buy it back for $20. That's the way it works around here.

That's Monterey County hospitality.

Frankly, we're getting a bit tired of your belly-aching. You blow into town and immediately you start complaining about room rates at your hotel. You've posted your whiny complaints on your Web sites and you've filed formal complaints to the District Attorney's Office.

You've promised to tell your neighbors and friends that Monterey County is a big scam.

And what, pray tell, do you think that will accomplish? Do you really believe people will stop coming to Monterey County simply because you aren't willing to give us some money?

If you want to make a big issue over giving us some money, perhaps we don't really want you here anyway. The world is full of people who are willing to give us money.

Don't get us wrong. We are sincerely glad you are here. Really.

And we will do everything within our power to make your visit as comfortable as possible. We promise you will have a great time this weekend, as long as you give us some money.