A Marked Man

My tattoos are my public declaration that I am a unique individual.

Like this tattoo here that covers my upper right arm, the one with the Don Knotts portrait. Nobody else in the world has a Don Knotts tattoo on their upper right arm except me. I'm just glad the artist could do Don Knotts as Ralph Furley in "Three's Company." Otherwise, I would have been stuck with Don Knotts as Mr. Limpet.

And I'll bet you don't recognize this portrait emblazoned on my right arm. That's Soren Kierkegaard, that deep thinker dude from someplace in Europe who thought up existentialism.

Don't you think the yin and yang of Don Knotts and Kierkegaard on opposite arms is a deeply ironic statement? I am quite the clever character.

And unique, as my tattoos so dramatically make clear.

Have you seen this one here on the calf of my left leg with the full-scale diorama of the invasion of Normandy? Did you notice the way the halftracks seem to come to life when my leg cramps up?

It takes a rare person to adorn oneself with tattoos, someone who is willing to mark oneself - with indelible markings that will sag and fade as I get scrawny and wrinkly in my dotage - simply to mask my profound lack of a serviceable personality.

And I am nothing if not profound.

The great thing is, you don't even have to get to know me as a person before you can know me as a person. You can just check out the tattoos and you'll know I'm cool.

The person I am is illustrated right here on my skin.

For instance, right off the bat you could tell I have a keen sense of humor when you saw my tattoo of overly romantic monkeys on my skull.

Hey, have I shown you my back yet? Here, let me take off my shirt. That's right, what you are seeing is Lord Byron's entire body of work printed in 16-point Arabic Sihafa. It took the artist 18 months to finish the job, but it was worth the effort.

And, here, in my right armpit, is a portrait of Lord Byron himself.

Pretty cool, huh?

Personally, I'm partial to this silly little tattoo here on my spleen that depicts Chairman Mao wearing a Little Pony T-shirt. It's the best $5,000 I ever spent because it best represents who I am as a person.

I'm just sorry you can't see it, seeing as how it's on my spleen.

And I can't tell you why I like this one here on my right cheek of this injection molding tool, but I simply fell in love with it when I saw it on the wall at the parlor.

Of course, I'm not completely happy with all my tattoos.

Like the jerk at the parlor refuses to give me my 240 bucks back after he misspelled this tattoo here across my chest. I mean, I figured any moron knows it's not spelled "Proondale."

Also, I can do without this one around my neck. It was my very first tattoo, and I got it to memorialize my love for an old girlfriend. Unfortunately, she left me several days later for a circus geek who can pick up a cannonball with his tongue.

I'll regret having to go to my grave with the name "Gertrude" tattooed around my neck, but that's the price I must pay for being a unique individual.

The Volatile Oil Market

"We have such a volatile market that any kind of speculation or rumor moves these prices up."
- Claudia Chandler, spokeswoman for the California Energy Commission, referring to gas prices.

Rumors abound that Lee R. Raymond, chairman of Exxon Mobil Corp., is suffering from a really gnarly
headache. Gas prices in California soared another 10 cents a gallon.

The price of tea in China has dropped 12 cents, so gas prices have increased accordingly.

A tanker truck taking a load of gas to the Beacon stations in Tuolumne County had a flat tire that delayed delivery by three hours, so the price of a gallon of gas bumped up another 3 cents.

A shareholder complained he is only earning 25 percent on his oil portfolio, so there was no choice but to raise gas prices 4 cents.

Speculation that Gov. Schwarzenegger plans to replace all California Highway Patrol vehicles with Hummers has driven gas prices upwards by 7 cents.

Surprise Cal-OSHA inspection at Martinez refinery after deadly sulfur leak drives gas prices higher while plant manager complains bitterly about government regulators.

The fellow from Triple-A who keeps track of this stuff took the day off on Tuesday, so gas prices skyrocketed another 11 cents.

Halliburton got nailed trying to gouge the U.S. military in Iraq, so of course we'll have to make up the difference here on the mainland. Add 5 cents a gallon, please.

The guys in research came up with another new important gas "additive" that will keep your windshield clean, so gas prices will go up another 6 cents.

Summer is approaching, so gas prices will naturally have to go up another 20 cents.

Yet another dork suffering from an inferiority complex purchased yet another Hummer to make him feel important, driving the price of gas higher by 3 cents.

Some fuel spilled in the Suisun Marsh last week, so crude oil prices hit a 13-year high.

Turns out that Lee R. Raymond's gnarly headache was actually a migraine. Gasoline prices shot up dramatically.

A confused customer drove away from the Valero station in Turlock with the hose stuck in his tank, driving gas prices up another 2 cents.

World Health Organization report on global warming upsets Saudi prince, while the price of crude shoots up dramatically.

New tax breaks for the rich adds 3 cents to gas prices. Speculation that Congress will reverse tax breaks for the rich adds another 3 cents to gas prices.

Rumors that Disney has planned a hostile takeover of the Abu Dhabi National Oil Company creates uncertainty in international crude oil market.

The impact of hybrid engines on the oil industry has not yet been assessed. Until the oil companies know more, they'll have to add 4 cents to the price of gas.

The boys in marketing have come up with another cool advertising gimmick, so gas prices are going up another 6 cents.

Lee R. Raymond is worried that his migraine might actually be a tumor. Gas prices shoot up another 10 cents.