WOULD YOU BELIEVE A ONE-LEGGED MONKEY
WITH A POLAROID CAMERA AND A SHOE PHONE?

The best rumor floating along the Gulf Coast these days involves mercenary dolphins unleashed by Katrina.

According to The Observer, a British newspaper with a keen eye for Top Secret spy stuff, about three dozen trained assassin dolphins are missing from a dolphin military compound.

Alarmingly, these dolphins are trained killers and are armed with toxic dart guns. They have apparently been guarding the Gulf of Mexico to shoot frogman terrorists and to locate aquatic spies who are conspiring to destroy America from their underwater spy headquarters.

The staff and management here at the Joe Livernois Column are spreading this rumor because we are anxious to print stuff that smacks of tabloid journalism, because we exhibit a lack of community responsibility and because we are always seeking unique ways to undermine our credibility.

Also, we are cynically aware that people will believe anything they read in a newspaper, especially if the newspaper is published in the United Kingdom.

But this killer dolphin story just might be true, since The Observer cited someone identified as an expert.

The Observer quoted Leo Sheridan, identified as a "respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry."

Sheridan reports he has seen intelligence reports from the U.S. government that confirm the murderous dolphins are indeed missing.

"My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises," Sheridan told The Observer. The problem, of course, is that blood-thirsty dolphins could initiate a tragic assault upon the unsuspecting divers and windsurfers who use the Gulf Coast as their personal playground.

The U.S. military refuses to confirm that their attack dolphins are missing.

In fact, if they told us anything at all about their dolphins, they would have to kill us.

This is not surprising, considering the military's reluctance to divulge other top-secret anti-terrorism initiatives involving animals.

Few Americans, for instance, are aware that the CIA has sanctioned the release of 1,000 mountain goats equipped with video cameras into the Afghan Kush.

As we are all aware, the U.S. military is serious about its efforts to flush out the crazed madman responsible for the worst atrocity ever committed on America's mainland more than four years ago. What's that guy's name again? Osama something?

Anyway, the CIA firmly believes that we might finally capture that guy with the assistance of video-equipped mountain goats.

The U.S. military has also managed to keep secret its most inspired primate spy program in the annals of primate spy history.

According to experts in the primate spy field, dozens of chimpanzees wearing garish sports coats and pork pie hats were released into Iraq five years ago to seek out weapons of mass destruction.

Based on their findings, then-Secretary of State Colin Powell delivered a rousing speech to the United Nations in which he persuasively justified stirring up the hornet's nest in the Middle East.

Rumor has it that the chimpanzees have since been decommissioned and are now in charge at FEMA.

Dedicated to Don Adams and our friends at CONTROL and KAOS.

TELEVISION WILL EAT YOUR BRAIN;
MONTEREY WILL EAT YOUR SPIRIT

With television's fall season upon us, it is a good time to introduce the new shows viewers will want to catch on public access channels.

Cable companies are required to provide locally produced programming via dedicated channels that would otherwise be occupied by a channel most consumers would prefer to watch, like the All Informercial Channel.

Because let's face it, if viewers were truly interested in a two-hour Carmel City Council debate about some guy's proposed side-yard setback, viewers would have gone to the meeting instead of waiting until the rebroadcast on a Sunday afternoon, when the viewer is more likely to be sitting in the Barcalounger in his boxer shorts watching the NFL.

Don't get me wrong. I think more of us should be watching public access stations. It's more real than the networks' reality television, which is to say that viewers are actually required to think before they can understand the drama.

And public access has become much more interesting lately. Just look at this fall's upcoming lineup:

Night Court: Reality tragi-comedy depicting after-hour antics of Monterey County traffic court judge.

Trader Joe's Marathon: A full 24 hours of the Monterey City Council's public hearings regarding a proposal to replace the downtown Safeway with a Trader Joe's.

Everybody Loves Albert: Follow Judge Albert Maldonado as he chases hot dog vendors from the county courthouse.

Democracy Whenever!: The swaggering assistant deputy treasurer of the Monterey County Democratic Club delivers a speech in which he declares that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is evil.

What's Cookin': County inmates unveil secret recipes for jailhouse tamales and holiday Prune-o.

A Cal Am Minute: California American Water Co. representatives discuss their guiding mission to keep customers happy.

The KC: Monica convinces Bubba to skip a King City High School FFA meeting so they can take his cool raised Chevy pickup to help her cousin's friend's sister move to Salinas.

Marina Progress: Follow along as the City Council approves another big box store that will shut down a year after its grand opening.

Natividad Road Blues: Continuous loop of sheriff's deputies who have gathered for open house and inspection. (Program note: Please believe us when we say that this is not a Sheriff Mike Kanalakis campaign commercial. Really.)

'Possum Man: A day in the life of some dude in Prunedale.

Salinas Reads: A Warhol-like production in which a camera is trained at the checkout desk of the Steinbeck Public Library and nothing ever seems to happen.

Gadfly Moments: "Best of" collection featuring the rabid regulars who show up at city council meetings to rant and rave about weird stuff that makes no sense.

Geeks Talk Shop: Round-table discussion featuring local media personalities who talk about how they got their stories, followed by endless whine session about editors and salaries.

Team Monterey: Junior college film class production featuring puppets that depict Board of Supervisors' efforts to adopt a general plan. Puppets are manipulated by the area's top developers, farmers and land-use attorneys.

COMPETENCE IS ITS OWN REWARD

News item: Now-deposed FEMA boss Michael Brown, known to his friends as "Brownie," came to government service after he was fired from his job managing equestrian events.

In the face of growing public suspicions that the government might be "incompetent" following its response to Hurricane Katrina, the White House has released the top qualifications and credentials for selected government officials:

Alphonso "Fonzi" Jackson, secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Once served as resident-manager of the Tropicana Mobile Home Park in Dallas, Texas.

Donald "Rummie" Rumsfeld, secretary of Defense. Self-taught poet, also considered nation's top "Stratego" player; once defeated Colin Powell at "Risk" 15 consecutive times in a single day during carefree weekend at Camp David.

Elaine "Elie" Chao, secretary of Labor. Only cabinet-level official known to have worked for a private-sector company without government contracts; spent summer break during college as a "lacer" at Acme Boot factory.

Mike "Mikey" Johanns, secretary of Agriculture. Showed up for his job interview with president with bushel of home-grown zucchini.

Michael "Welfare Guy" Leavitt, secretary of Health & Human Services. Former governor of Utah, distinguished himself with landmark "Subsidized Dental Floss for the Needy" program.

Dick "Dad" Cheney, vice president. Ability to glare on cue.

Alberto "Gonzo" Gonzales, attorney general. Pulled self up by bootstraps and, through pluck and hard work, wheedled his way into top administrative position after spending several years as the associate assistant clerk to the deputy city attorney in Bull Mule, Texas.

Margaret "Maggie" Spellings, secretary of Education. With a name like "Spellings," how can she not be qualified?

John "Johnnie" Snow, secretary of the Treasury. Former railroad man; has lots of money; personal investment portfolio solid; avoided dot-coms.

Michael "Furr-Face" Chertoff, secretary of Homeland Security. Supplemented income working nights and weekends as security guard at arena rock 'n' roll concerts; best friend is Ted Nugent.

Gale "Tree Hugger" Norton, secretary of the Interior. Owns hiking shoes; occasionally loans propane camp stove to Dick Cheney.

Andrew "Drew" Card, chief of staff. Developed reputation as a "take-charge" administrator while district director of Little League, where he was in charge of recruiting and training umpires.

Condoleezza "Condi" Rice, secretary of State. Great smile; does what she's told.

John "Walt" Walters, secretary of National Drug Control Policy. Led intervention on Rush Limbaugh during his "problem."

Stephen "Stevie" Johnson, Environmental Protection Agency administrator. Promotes use of "sound science" to hack off know-nothing environmentalists.

Norm "Norm!" Minetta, secretary of Transportation. Former Congressman from San Jose, responsible for Santa Clara County freeway system.

Samuel "Sammie" Bodman, secretary of Energy. Considered perfect fit in his role as the manager of energy policy due to the fact that he is deaf, blind and still suffering from the debilitating effects of a full-frontal lobotomy.