DARWIN'S THEORY DISPROVED
BY PAT ROBERTSON HIMSELF!

Pat Robertson shot off his mouth again this week, proving once again that Darwin's survival-of-the-fittest theory is indeed flawed.

If Darwin was right, how could he explain Pat Robertson?

If we were to believe Charles Darwin, who himself was unable to survive and who eventually croaked in 1882, organisms naturally morph into survival beings that allow them to prosper in their environment.

Yet, somehow, Pat Robertson has managed to survive all these years despite giving every indication that he has not advanced beyond biological and intellectual standards that place him -- in the evolutionary order of things -- on line with the common orangutan.

Not only that, but Pat Robertson has actually done quite well for himself, establishing a successful media empire, and he has political aspirations. In that regard, his evolutionary progress has not even advanced beyond that of Ted Turner.

Robertson, who professes to be a "Christian leader," blathered on his television show this week that the United States ought to send assassins down to Venezuela to execute Hugo Chavez.

The following day, following the inevitable furor that typically accompanies the wacky things Robertson says, Robertson backtracked somewhat, offering an apology. He then said he didn't actually say that Chavez ought to be assassinated, per se, but, even if he did say Chavez should be erased, he meant it in a nice way and, anyway, whatever he said at least brought awareness of the Hugo Chavez problem.

By all accounts, Chavez is a major problem in South America, inasmuch as he speaks a foreign language and is the evolutionary equivalent of Fidel Castro, who is reputed to be Cro-Magnon himself.

Whether Chavez deserves a good, old-fashioned CIA-sanctioned murder remains to be seen.

If Chavez is getting advice from Fidel, the better alternative for the United States might be simply to wait a couple of decades. If we wait long enough, the entire country of Venezuela will go the way of Cuba: driven to a collective state of terminal boredom brought on by listening to long-winded speeches and driving around in 40-year-old Volkswagens.

Also, we've got enough demons knocking on our door. If we really need to assassinate bad guys, there's plenty of sorry excuses out there we should get to first. Chavez will just have to take his place in the back of the line.

Nevertheless, it's disappointing to hear a religious leader say such a thing. In one fell swoop, Pat Robertson again miscommunicated the Christian message to legions of unbelievers who will unfortunately dismiss average Christians as a bunch of kooky hypocrites.

Over the years, Robertson has also told his viewers that the State Department ought to be nuked, that feminism encourages women to "leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

He also predicted that homosexual activity leads to "earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor."

He also counseled that Planned Parenthood naturally teaches bestiality to children, and Robertson is a chief proponent of the abolition of Halloween.

Yet, somehow, Pat Robertson survives.

Evolution obviously has nothing to do with it. If nothing else, Pat Robertson's survival can only be attributable to an Intelligent Designer with a sense of satire.

THE IRRITABLE BOWELS
OF CALIFORNIA'S COWS

The latest eye-watering news out of California involves gaseous cows that are killing us.

According to the San Joaquin Valley Air Pollution Control District, methane-belching cows now create more pollution in the Central Valley than cars, trucks, pesticides and that guy sitting in the cubicle next to you at work with the irritable bowels.

This is not necessarily news to anyone who has ever actually spent time in the Central Valley, which Californians have long regarded as the Gaseous Cow Pollution Capital of the World.

During a recent trip to Turlock, the Joe Livernois Column got up close and personal with the gaseous-cow phenomena. This experience was highlighted by a conversation with a visitor who lapsed into an extended sneezing fit before concluding that "this town stinks." And this person was from Los Angeles.

Naturally, officials from the California dairy industry immediately criticized the San Joaquin Valley air district's conclusions, accusing the district of being "cow haters who hate freedom and everything that cows stand for."

Industry officials then threatened to ramp up its California cheese advertising campaign that depict cows with names like "Madge" standing in pastures and engaging in whimsical human-like conversations.

As we know, these advertisements are apparently meant to spread the fiction that cheese is not produced from muck-covered dairies in which the cows are too busy passing gas to engage in comic conversation.

According to air pollution authorities, there are about 2.5 million cows in the San Joaquin air basin and each one of them produces almost 20 pounds of noxious gasses every year, the cumulative equivalent produced by the guy in the next cubicle.

Experts attribute the gaseous emissions to the revolting manner in which cows consume their food. Cows constantly swallow and regurgitate their food, a process that results in a steady stream of belching and flatulence. In scientific terms, this cud-chewing process is known variously as "rumination" or "writing a newspaper column."

Because of the air district report, the dairy industry will be forced to invest millions of dollars in expensive pollution-control technology. Technical experts are already coming up with new and inventive ways to instruct their cows to find a less disgusting way to eat.

Unfortunately, cow gas-prevention technologies involving industrial-strength corks have proven useless, generating an even worse pollution problem in the form of what scientists refer to as "exploding cows."

Dairy producers are understandably upset that pointy-headed do-gooders are trying to "improve" their operations with new regulations, just as the auto industry was upset with the do-gooders who imposed Draconian regulations on vehicle emissions several decades ago.

But vehicular smog-control device scams are now woven into the fabric of California's rich tapestry. Most of us now regard smog-control scams as a necessary trade-off we make in exchange for living in the greatest state in the union.

And we are confident that the dairy industry will eventually embrace regulations that will spare the children of the Central Valley from a lifetime of phlegm.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to smog my cow.